slapmeinthecock

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. Then I found another note on a can that said, "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML

Pennywise gonna get you

Today, I was sitting in my basement watching IT. I heard a knocking at my door and turned the outside lights on to see a clown outside staring in at me. I freaked out and began screaming and jumping around like a Chihuahua on drugs. My friends told me it should be on YouTube within the week. FML

Today, at the soup kitchen I volunteer at, a guy called the food crap and threatened to shove his bowl up my ass if I didn't give him something better. FML

Today, I called my boss a "fucking retard" for doing something insanely stupid, only for him to find out 5 minutes later that I did exactly the same thing. I'll never hear the end of this now. FML

Today, after spending a day in the ER and a day in hospital, I was recovering from emergency surgery. My boyfriend left to eat and didn't come back. He texted me 4 hours later that he was drinking with his friends and that he loved his "brown eyed girl". My eyes aren't brown. FML