Today, I was complaining to my sister about how jealous I was of her looks. Her response was "Sometimes it's okay to be the ugly sister. Like, you have less of a chance of getting raped." FML
Today, I was at the waterpark. I decided to go down a slide shaped like a funnel. On the way down, my bikini bottom untied. Then I got lodged in a V shape, arse first, in the hole at the funnel exit, exposing myself to the entire pool until I could slither out. FML
Today, I finally thought that my mother was okay with me being a lesbian. Then, over dinner, she turns to me and says, "So, do you still think you like girls, or are you going to start being normal again?" FML
Today, I just found out my dad got remarried a year ago. The woman is officially living with us, I got to have lunch with her alone today. I found out she is only 22, with a 14 year-old little brother. My dad's 47. I'm 17, now with a 14 year-old uncle, and a mom that can pass for my girlfriend. FML
Today, I was told by my mother that the reason she quit her job as a counselor and divorced my dad was because she met someone through work. She works in a prison. FML
Today, my pet rat had babies. We've only ever owned one rat. FML
Today, the supervisory staff at work was changed in my area. The good news? My boyfriend is now my manager. The bad news? My ex, the guy I cheated on my boyfriend with, is our supervisor. FML
Today, I got back from a two-week holiday only to discover my dog missing. After looking for him at animal shelters and putting up missing pet signs, my roommate admitted he lost him in a game of drunk poker. FML
Today, I went to the doctor's office for a minor cold, and left with a diagnosis of pregnancy. FML
Today, after an argument with a coworker, I sent him, "Sorry about being such a jerk" in a reply to a mass email he'd sent. I accidentally hit 'Reply All'. I now have 32 "It's okay" messages in my inbox. FML
Today, while at a family gathering for New Years, my aunt said she needed a flat surface to write on. My dad immediately piped up, "Why don't you use Samantha's chest?" I'm Samantha. I'm also 18. FML
Today, I found out that I have to reschedule my upcoming honeymoon because my office will be understaffed that week, due to the boss going on vacation right after my wedding. Oh, yeah, and he's in my bridal party. FML
Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML
Today, my aunt gave my cat aspirin because when she touched his nose he had a 'fever'. I came home to a dead cat. FML
Today, I went to the movies with my friend and two pretty girls. During the movie, he made out with both of them, while I sat there awkwardly and watched the movie. FML
Today, I was sitting at the computer browsing various websites. In my attempt to scoot the chair forward, I hit my knee against the desk that my computer was on, and ended up breaking it. I literally broke my knee sitting on my ass. FML
Today, I had to sift through hundreds of pages of legal documents. They were all written in Comic Sans font. FML
Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML
Today, I got a spray tan. The lady asked what shade I wanted to be, and joking, I said the darkest. She took it seriously. Now no one can recognize me, and I have work tomorrow. FML
Today, I introduced my Chinese-born girlfriend to the rest of the family. My uncle immediately blurted out, "He's dating a communist." FML
Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I had been hiding the ring in the sock drawer. When I went to retrieve it, the ring was gone and in its place was a sticky note that said "NO." FML
Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister, and me. FML
Today, while on the bus, a small child asked me if I was having a baby, and I replied "Yes." I'm not. I was just too ashamed to admit I was fat. FML
Today, I found my diary on my mother's nightstand. Bookmarked. FML
Today, I finally confronted my bully. Too bad it was at my high school reunion and he beat the shit out of me. FML
Today, I locked my keys in my truck. The good news is that I have a spare set in my house. The bad news is that my house key is on the same keyring as my locked-in truck key. FML
Today, I returned from a 5-day cruise for my senior spring break, filled with gorgeous sorority girls from all over the country. I was seasick the whole time. FML
Today, I got a promotion and transfer at work. My first responsibility is to fire my soon to be father in-law. FML
Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML
Today, my 12-year-old daughter glued her left eyelid shut with fake eyelash glue. After spending 4 hours in the ER, I asked her why she did it. "I wanted to get Blake to notice me," she said. Blake is our neighbor's convict son. FML
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