Today, my brother told me that he needed to borrow a hammer, a chisel, and a drill just in case. I asked him if he was finally getting round to starting work on his apartment. Not at all, he was just going to crack open the coconut he'd just bought at the supermarket. FML
Today, I walked into my room and watched as my fanatically religious mother sniffed the used tissues in my trash bin to make sure I wasn't masturbating. FML
Today, my mother told me I should volunteer in Africa, because I might "get lucky, catch malaria and come back skinny". FML
Today, I decided to take a well-deserved shower. When I let my hair down, twenty six cents fell onto the floor. I have no idea how they got there. FML
Today, I went to the hospital for a scan. The tech went wide-eyed and stared at his screen in horror before realizing I could see him. He wouldn't tell me what he saw, apparently only my doctor is allowed to do that. So now I have to wait for god knows how long to get my results back. FML
Today, a girl I've liked for the longest time kept asking me to reveal my "deepest secret" in exchange for hers. Thinking this was flirting, I told her my secret was that I liked her. Her secret was that she was a "lesbian and just had to tell somebody." FML
Today, after working like a caffeine-fuelled thunderstorm for 9 hours straight on an art project, my 2 friends informed me that it was due next week. I slept for 10 hours, and then went to my class without my project, thinking I lucked out in the long run. Clearly not, as it was due today. FML
Today, I finally saw a dermatologist due to my unusually severe acne. Now I know I actually have a rare disorder that makes me allergic to my own acne. FML
Today, my mom claimed that lactose intolerance is a "myth" and told me to drink my damn milk because it's good for my bones. FML
Today, my fiancé received his divorce papers. Thanks to his procrastinating, his divorce is effective May 29th. We're supposed to get married on May 28th. FML
Today, I found out that my daughter not only has a boyfriend, but that they're trying for a baby. She's barely 15. FML
Today, I found out my husband has been catfishing my sixteen year-old brother for over a year. FML
Today, I proposed to my boyfriend. He said yes, but is now sulking because I took away his "manhood". Jeez, sorry I didn't want to wait another 7 years for you to finally do it. FML
Today, I got sunburnt to a crisp on the first day of my holidays away. Only 5 more days to go now, spent inside, trying not to burn more. FML
Today, I spent a while in a tree after fleeing a rampaging Blue Tongue lizard, only to be chased back out of it by an angry possum. Australian wildlife. FML
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