Mademoiselle Célibataire
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to help me get over the fear of my upcoming rectal exam by surprising me with one of her own halfway through our lovemaking. FML
Today, a girl started talking to me at the bus stop. After it descended into an awkward silence, I jumped on my bus to avoid further conversation. She got on the same bus. And got off at the same stop. I swear the whole bus could feel the tension. FML
Today, I was having sex with a girl. While we were fooling around, she started squeezing my cheeks and told me I remind her of her son. FML
Today, I tried yet again to get an appointment for the Covid plus flu vaccine. Nothing's available in my area for Covid, nothing's available in my area for the flu, and no Covid + flu shots. On the radio, they're telling us for the nth time that it's important to get vaccinated as flu season will be a doozie this year. FML
Today, my old ass garage door got bent while I was trying to close it. I broke nearly all of my fingernails trying to force it back into place. Time to get a new garage door. FML
Today, my boss caught me coming to work late. I panicked and told him I’d been there all day. He knows I do a lot of editing for Wikipedia, so he actually found my publicly listed edits showing I’d been publishing edits from my normal account, i.e. my home PC, when I should have been at work. Oops. FML
Today, because I told her ex that they were an abusive cheater after my friend cried to me about how their ex was treating them horribly for the sixth time this month, my friend blocked me. The ex told her I'd be the reason they'll stay together, and my friend begged me to talk to the ex. I refused. FML
Today, I went in for an STD test. The Q-tip broke off in my urethra. FML
Today, I asked my mum when she gets the urge to smoke. The answer I was looking for was "After I eat" or maybe even "When I'm tired." What I got was "Every second since you were born." FML
Today, and for the last three months, I’ve felt super incompatible with my therapist, but I don’t know how to fire her. FML
Today, a co-worker, who lives 30 minutes out of my way, had broken down so I picked him up. We were both 5 minutes late and both got fired. Our department takes 30-60 minutes to even start running. FML
Today, I saw a girl making out with presumably her boyfriend. This wouldn’t be a problem if she hadn’t told me she was asexual and didn’t like to be touched. The worst part is this isn’t even the first time this has happened to me. FML
Today, a week after I lost my wallet, replaced the majority of my ID cards, canceled my debit card, and went to the DMV and paid for a replacement driver's license, I found my wallet. It was in my shoe. FML
Today, while I was at my aunt's house with family, my grandpa needed to use the bathroom, so I guided him to it. There's a short staircase leading to it, and to my horror, he tumbled down it. I forgot he's going blind due to glaucoma and therefore couldn't see the steps. FML
Today, a guy asked me out and said he was going to take me to a fancy restaurant where they make the food in front of you. I love Japanese food, so I was really excited. We went to Subway. FML
Today, my husband informed me that he recently slept with a secretary of his to become better at sex for me. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he cheated on me or that he seriously believes that he has a reasonable excuse. FML
Today, my dad has “accepted” that I’m a lesbian, but can’t seem to understand why I can’t just ignore that part of myself, marry a man and have kids, and never talk about the "lesbian thing" ever again. FML
Today, after his sixth beer, my dad looked me in the eye and said "I've never forgiven you for what you did to your mother's vagina". FML
Today, I had sex with a guy wearing a KFC uniform. Hat included. FML
Today, I started my day with terrible food poisoning and ending my day alone, with a boyfriend in jail. We've had one short conversation since he was arrested. My birthday is in three days, and we have no idea if he will be released in time because of the system working slowly. FML
Today, I bought my mother an expensive TV she had been looking at. After I bought it, she continued browsing for more stuff. I told her I couldn't afford the extra items. She got mad and called me "selfish". FML
Today, I was finally discharged from hospital after being in there for one month, I arrive home to find a letter from a debt collection agency for my unpaid car insurance premium, and another letter from my car insurer to say that they aren't covering my accident due to non payment of premium. FML
Today, my little sister had her second son. She is 31 and she named her sons after her favorite television characters, Sam and Dean Winchester. She has made it her life goal to make sure her husband never finds out. FML
Today, after three weeks of calling the office and telling them how much she needed it, my mom's doctor finally agreed to give her an oxygen tank. She died last night. FML
Today, my little sister got into my anime DVDs, probably thinking they were cartoons. She watched High School DXD, which isn't the best anime for a 6-year-old. Now she wants to be the Breast Dragon Emperor for Halloween and Dad is threatening to set fire to my entire collection. FML
Today, my boyfriend still won't get a job, because he's convinced he's going to make millions inventing and selling carbonated ketchup. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were looking up sexy clothes for me to wear while role-playing. I saw something I liked and asked him if we should get it. When he saw the model wearing it in the picture, he asked "Does it come with the girl?" FML
Today, I handed a middle-aged woman her change of $0.75 with three quarters. She looked at the change bewildered and threw the coins down, asking if she thought I could get away with only giving her thirty cents. I had to explain to her how much a quarter is worth. FML
Today, I got thrown out by a guy I really like, with the words, "Can you leave me the fuck alone, please?" I took my stuff and left as quickly as I could, just to fall down the stairs on his doorway, and twist my ankle really bad. He's someone from work as well. FML
Today, I heard my mom ask "Are you okay?" I opened my mouth to tell her about how I've been feeling suicidal lately. At that second, I realized she was talking to my cat. FML
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