TheWindowLicker

Not funny, son

Today, while at a school anti-drugs assembly, the speaker asked everyone to stand up if they knew someone who had died of an overdose. As I stood up, my friend hit me in the side, making me laugh. I stood frozen under accusing glares while the speaker bitched me out for a good 5 minutes. FML

Today, I gave my husband an ultimatum: either he could have sex with me or play Minecraft. Needless to say, he spent the rest of the evening playing Minecraft. FML

This Alpha male shit has gone toor far

Today, my boyfriend insisted that the dog stay in our bedroom while we had sex. He said it would prove his dominance, and "show the dog who's boss." My boyfriend needs to prove his self-worth to an animal. FML

Today, after rocking my one-year old daughter for nearly two hours, she finally fell asleep. As I went to leave her room, I stubbed my toe. I now have a broken toe, a screaming child, and a wife who will be so proud that her daughter's first word is "FUCK!" FML