Today, I woke up with a massive hangover after passing out at a wild party the night before. Apparently my friends couldn't find a marker, because I woke up with dozens of dicks drawn on my body and face in henna. I have a job interview today. FML
Today, my mother was transferred from the hospital to a long-term care facility. Nobody I talk to at the hospital knows what facility they sent her to. FML
Today, my boyfriend bought my favorite doughnuts for our anniversary. After settling down and pouring a glass of wine, I grabbed a doughnut and quickly realized the filling inside wasn't jelly. He thought it would be funny to replace it with toothpaste. FML
Today, within 24 hours at my new security job, I accidentally tasered the head of security in the groin, causing him to piss himself. FML
Today, I got into a minor car accident. No one got hurt, but the person that hit me was my father. Everyone thought he died 8 years ago. FML
Today, I purchased a cactus in a cute little pot and put it on my windowsill so it could get sun. Unfortunately, that's also where I have my alarm clock. Guess which one I grabbed in the morning. FML
Today, I slipped and fell while shopping at a local grocery store. I slipped and fell in the same store last week. FML
Today, having moved to Moscow over a week ago, I finally received the TV my work promised my flat would have. A big Russian man came to my door, handed me a TV from the 1970s and left. It doesn't work. FML
Today, I finally got a new job. Now, instead of dealing with trashy, rude young adults all day, I get to deal with self-entitled, berating old people all day. I'm not sure which is worse. FML
Today, I went to a haunted house with my fiancé. A few minutes in, I saw someone following us so I turned and screamed. She ran off and my fiancé explained that she wasn't an actor, just a lady with a pigment disorder. I can never go back there again. FML
Today, after having surgery, I called my family to tell them I was out, safe, and on my way home. The first thing they asked was if they could "borrow" some of my pain meds. FML
Today, in the early hours of the morning, two of my wisdom teeth simultaneously began emerging. In my haste to get painkillers, I accidentally smacked my recently broken foot on a door. FML
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