Boomi

22 Times Dads Really Out-Dadded Themselves With Their Dad Jokes

A bad joke every now and then is to be expected from any farther, and is tolerable within the confines of the household. But when pops decides to take his one-man show on the road, particularly for moody teens, it can be an FML. The rules change on the internet, though. Here, dad jokes are nothing but gold.

Today, a DNA test proved that my 2-month-old daughter isn't mine. The real father is my girlfriend's husband, whom she married last year when she lied to me about going on a vacation. We've been together for three years and I never knew. FML

Time to go topless I guess...

Today, I accidentally gave myself a chemical burn. It hurts like hell and I've been told all I can do is wait it out for a few days. The worst part? It's from a reaction to a cream I used all over my chest. I can't wear a shirt without being in immense pain. FML

Good job, team

Today, I woke up early and rushed to work to get to our first weekly safety meeting. I was the only one that remembered. FML

Today, I was blaring the radio to drown out the sound of the kids in the apartment upstairs. They then started jumping in time with the music. FML

Not helping.

Today, my neighbor's pesky 7-year-old daughter, who is friends with the guy I really like, decided to help me with him. She used her phone to send him a picture of me. I was in the shower, completely naked and surprised. FML

Today, I have to defend my bachelor thesis, which took me 10 months to complete. Three weeks ago, a new technology was released that renders my entire work obsolete. FML

Today, my 1-year-old son walked up to me with a disgusted look on his face. I could tell he had something in his mouth so I pulled it out. He'd been sucking on a piece of cat poop. FML

Today, at a wedding reception, I accidentally caught the bouquet. I got cussed out by the women who were fighting over it for being uninvited and party crashing. I'm a busgirl and the bouquet only landed on the tray I was holding. FML

DIY Hair Fail

Adding this to the list of things to NEVER try on Friday the 13th!

Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML

Today, at a music festival, some douche unzipped the back of my skirt, exposing my Ninja Turtle undies to everyone before running off. FML

Truthbomb

Today, I made my niece cry when I told her that snakes are just tails with faces. She won't stop. FML

Today, I was riding my bike and swerved to avoid hitting a lizard. I ended up sliding into a bush and skinning myself, only to find my tires had still managed to cut the lizard to pieces. FML

Today, I used a blanket outside for a picnic. Later, while throwing it in the washer, I noticed a lizard jump out to land inbetween the bowl and the side. Then I noticed a wasp had joined it. I'm scared to open my washer now. FML

Today, something in my shoe was bothering me at work. After about 30 minutes, I finally had a chance to fix it. There was a squashed lizard in my shoe. FML

Today, I heard my ten-year-old brother say, "Are hamburgers a reptile?" FML

Today, I explained to my five year-old son that the dinosaurs were wiped out because of a meteorite that hit our planet. He replied, "They should've stood out of the way." FML

Today, my husband's mistress purposely and dangerously induced her own labor so that she would have the baby on my birthday. Yes, I'm divorcing him. FML

Don't Touch My Fries

These aren't beetles... This is Sparta!

One Woman Puts Hotel’s Pet Policy to the Test When She Brings Her Horse

Everyone gets sleepy on long road trips, including horses. So when one woman came across a hotel that allowed pets, she booked a room for her and her horse and fellow guests and staff got a kick out of it!

A Man Hid in the Woods For Ten Years to Flee His Nagging Wife

A Birmingham gardener had it up to here with his wife of three years after she wouldn’t stop complaining about his work . So he decided to move his life to the forest to spend a decade living in obscurity. After all these years, he’s back in civilization.

FML's 15 favorite and/or weirdest shitfests of the week!

Whether it's people not understanding how the world works or just people fucking their shit up, this is the place to check out idiots being idiots. No boring fluff, just funny stuff!

TV News Report Searching For Wild Cougar Goes From Dangerous to Delightful When Interrupted By House Cat

A Fox News reporter on location in Mississippi hoping to capture footage of a wild cougar on the loose stumbled across your average house cat and the internet loved it.

Harsh.

Today, I thought I was going to get lucky with my girlfriend. Instead, I learned that she thought I was an ugly, masculine girl. All of our "dates" had been her taking me out to improve her chances when looking for guys. FML

Today, I pinched a nerve in my shoulder while pulling the bedcovers higher in the morning. After excruciating pain all day, I climbed back into bed at night, twisting my knee in the process. FML

Today, my husband ate several slices of pizza and one whole ghost pepper. He then threw up all over the living room, hallway, and pile of dirty clothes in the bathroom before going directly to bed. I had to clean it up. FML

Today, I went to my first ultrasound appointment. The daughter I was hoping for is actually going to be boy triplets. FML