timinator5000

People have lists?!

Today, I found my girlfriend's list of people she's slept with on her Google docs. There was 11 names after mine. FML

Today, I confronted my fiancé and told him I knew his 'little secret'. I had suspected that he had been ruining his wedding diet by eating pizza at the office. He replied that the affair with his secretary had only been going on for a couple of months. FML

I'm happy for you, but…

Today, my band informed me that our gig this afternoon was actually a wedding. Whose wedding? My ex-wife's, along with the guy she cheated on me with. For their first dance, I had to sing what used to be our song. FML

Spiked

Today, while having sex with my wife, I got a sudden leg cramp. While sliding off the bed, I found a sewing needle. With my ball sack. I ended up with a one-inch gash. FML

Today, five hours into the new year, I have two flat tires. I sat on the bed and the frame broke. I then dropped my phone breaking the lock button and the screen. After the bed is on the floor, I try to get up and smash my laptop. I then dropped my phone onto my $300 bong shattering the base. FML

Today, I propose to the girl of my dreams after being together for 5 years. Everything went well; the roses, the dinner, the family. She immediately said no and confessed to fucking my brother for a year. My brother than asked for the ring so he could propose to her instead. FML

Today I was going to bed with my wife and she was giving all the signs that she wanted to get it on. I rolled to her side of the bed and made my move. She rolled the other way, grabbed her phone, and played on Instagram. P.S. it was my birthday. FML

Today, I realized that FML sucks at staying updated when I read multiple newly published Christmas posts, 3.5 weeks after Christmas is over. Ya'll need to get your shit together. FML

Today I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. It did not go well. Turns out she is the girl my dad cheated with 5 years ago, the reason my parents got divorced. Oh, and as a bonus, it turns out her 4 year old son is also my dads 4 year old son, my secret half brother. FML

Today, I'm getting married. I woke up with no voice to say my I dos with. FML

Today, it was the first time my husband came since getting a vasectomy. Not a big deal, except he didn't tell me that it’s common for men to pass out the first time they cum after the surgery. I thought my husband died from cumming for a solid minute. FML

Today, I figured out how my birth control works. If you're on your period for four months straight you can't have sex, so you won't be pregnant. FML

Today, it's my 2-year wedding anniversary. It also marks 2 years since my wife told me, "We're married now we don't need to have sex anymore." FML

Suggestive Fendi Scarf Has Twitter Freaking Out

At least we're not the only ones thinking it looks like... what it looks like.

Today, my mom ordered my birthday presents on eBay. Too bad she used my account, so when I went to look for ideas, everything she bought me popped up. It's so much stuff I don't want, need, or will ever use, and it's on my credit card. FML

Today, I had the worst day of my life. I'd studied science for the whole damn night, only to realize the next morning that it's a math exam. FML

Today, I found out about my parent's divorce over Facebook from my sister who lives 8 hours away in another province. They made the decision 3 weeks ago. I live with my parents. FML

Today, I met my daughter's first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML

Today, I have a UTI that spread to my kidneys, a yeast infection, and a herpes outbreak. Oh, and my period came this morning. FML

Today, I slept alone again in bed. After travelling 15000 km across the world to be with my long-distance husband, he has refused to kiss or hug me in the week I've been here. I never thought I would be in a sexless marriage. FML