Brydizzle

Today, I was cleaning a pan. I turned the water on, and it was super hot. My reaction was to slam my hand down. On a knife. So, not only do I have a burned hand, but there's also a huge cut on it from the knife. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over while I was babysitting my little brother. He wouldn't stay in bed, so my boyfriend told him,"If you don't stay in bed, the monster will eat you!" I now have to wash my brother's bedsheets, because he was too afraid to get up and go pee. FML

Today, I was at the pool with two boys I babysit. The eldest wouldn't get out of the pool so I pretended to call his dad. He then ran out of the pool, pushed me down, grabbed my phone, chucked it into the pool and then ran back into the pool. FML

Double standard

Today, I went on a double date with my bestfriend. At the end of the night, her boyfriend gave her a long kiss, and texted her 5 minutes after we left to say he missed her already. My boyfriend picked his nose, then gave me a fist bump as a goodbye. FML

Today, I pretended like I was dead to my 4 year-old brother. He cried my name for a couple of seconds, then took my iPhone out of my hands and ran away laughing. FML

Never again

Today, I decided to try something new and sign up for an online dating service, since I can't meet a decent guy in person. The first guy I talked to told me he used to be in a mental hospital for obsessing over a girl, then told me he would be dreaming of me that night. FML

Today, I heard two of my students having a conversation. One asked what state Arizona was in, and the other replied Canada. I teach sixth grade social studies and they weren't joking. FML

Today, I was in the airport after saying goodbye to my boyfriend who left for three months. Walking back to my car, I saw a young couple kissing passionately. If that wasn't bad enough, the guy then picked his girlfriend up, spun her round in the air and her foot kicked me square in the jaw. FML

Today, I was talking to my crush on MSN. She was telling me how her friend had passed away recently. I had two chats open and accidentally replied, "That's hilarious." FML

Today, my girlfriend and I got in an argument so intense that she left saying that we needed to spend some time apart. The argument was over what was the best PIXAR movie. FML

Today, I came home to my wife crying. She had mixed up our newborn twin girls and couldn't tell which was which. I looked at the girls. Neither could I. FML

Nice timing

Today, my family and I argued whether getting a period or boner in the middle of class was worse. At the dinner table. FML

Today, I was moving. While packing, I found an old photo that had been laying face down in the bottom of a drawer for some time, and some of the ink transfered to the drawer lining. There is now an image of my ex-girlfriend's face permanently burned into the bottom of my nightstand drawer. FML

Today, I saw two cute girls walking my way as I was parking my car. Trying to impress them, I got out and attempted to coolly walk to the sidewalk. I tripped on the curb, scraped both my knees, and was laughed at all the way until I got back inside my car. FML

Will youuuuuuu ?

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend from the top of a bungee jumping platform at an amusement park. I yelled out, "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" from the platform, pointing her out. Turns out, I was pointing at the wrong girl. My girlfriend was very angry and ran away when the wrong girl yelled, "Yes!" FML

Today, my boyfriend was talking with his friends about how long girls take to get ready (hair, make-up, etc.). I said, "I never spend a long time getting ready." He then looked at me and said, "Maybe you should." FML

Today, I got a separation agreement from my wife. It was sent from the lawyer she spent the long weekend with right before she told me it was over. FML

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

Today, I was telling my friend about how my boyfriend never does anything nice for me. Confused, she replied, "That's odd, he's always doing nice things for me." FML

Today, a grasshopper jumped into my car. As my boyfriend swiped at it, the grasshopper jumped onto my chest and into my shirt. Instead of helping me get it out, my boyfriend leaned back and said, "It got to second base faster than I did." FML