Slackerz4Life

Today, I ran into a bird. Not with my car, with my face. It was so scared, it crapped all over me. FML

Today, my dogs broke through our electric fence, one of whom managed to get his collar off. I picked it up and, without thinking, went across the fence line. I screamed like a chihuahua being run over by a bulldozer. FML

Today, my boyfriend became convinced that I cheated on him, and broke up with me, saying he would "get me back." When I came home, I found his key on my counter and my cat missing. FML

Today, I was lying on the floor playing with my cat. I was holding her in the air, when my sister tripped over the TV cord and unplugged the cable. The TV made a loud fuzzy sound, I got scared and threw my cat in the air. I got scratched in the face by a falling cat. FML

Today, I got scared by my own leg fat. FML

Today, I woke up to a glorious sunrise. I stood up, took a moment to soak up some sunlight, and then spent the next hour too scared to go make my morning coffee, after my mother loudly moaned, "Ah yeah, give it to me, Woody!" from down the hall. FML

Today, I foolishly told my husband that I know he's been holding back sexually, and that I was willing to indulge any sexual fantasies he may have. Now it seems that tonight, I'll be responding to the name "Fluttershy". FML

Today, I was changing my son's diaper when he said "Momma." Astonished that he'd finally spoken, I clapped and smiled proudly. My clap scared the crap out of him. Literally. FML

Today, I was walking up some stairs and heard a noise as if someone was following me. The faster I went, the louder the noise got. I was too scared to realize that it was just my thighs causing my jeans to chafe. FML

Today, I came home after working overtime to find my dog whining and giving me her "I need to take a shit" face. After changing my shoes, I came back ready to let her out, only to find her giving me the "I just took a shit on your rug" face. My husband has been home all day. FML

Today, my dog became scared of his own food bowl. He now barks for ages every time he sees it. FML

Today, I could no longer handle the drum music in the apartment below me so I went to kindly ask the little old lady to shut it off before she goes to bed. Her neighbor came out while I knocked to tell me she is out of town and the music is constant so her cats don't get lonely. FML

Poke-baller

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. She pulled down my trousers, saw my Poke-ball boxers, and absolutely lost it. I had to lie next to her in bed for the next 10 minutes hearing her howl with laughter while crying "Dickachu, I choose you!" FML

Today, my sister and I were having a slumber party in my room since my parents left on a trip. They left my grandparents here to watch us. It was past bed time and we started hearing some strange noises through my floor. We thought it was the radio. Turns out my grandma is a screamer. FML

Today, after years of researching and saving money, I got a pet fox. I was able to enjoy the majesty of the animal for three hours before it burrowed under the fence and ran away. FML

Today, I returned home from a month long trip overseas to find that my bird sitter has trained my parrot to whisper, "You're going to die" in a sinister voice. FML

Today, I again had to quietly sneak in through my bedroom window. I don't live with my parents. I go through my window because my cat thinks everyone who walks in through the door at night is a burglar or something and attacks them. FML

Today, I was feeding some ducks. One of them choked to death on the old bread. FML

Today, I faced my severe phobia of spiders in order to remove a rather large one from my home. After 20 minutes of desperate struggling, it was finally taken care of. Relieved, I sat down and glanced across the hallway just in time to see a second, equally large spider strutting across the wall. FML

Awkward family gatherings

Today, I was eating with my grandma and her sister, who don't get along. I went to the bathroom for just 2 minutes, only to come back to find pancakes everywhere and our plates smashed on the ground. They got into a "little argument". FML

Today, after recently complaining that the reality show "The Great Norway Adventure" portrays us as a country of nationalistic rednecks, I saw my drunk dad chasing my uncle on a tractor while bellowing the national anthem at the top of his lungs. FML

Cereal killer

Today, I went to the kitchen to grab some cereal. I guess my mum didn't hear me, because as I entered, I heard her ranting to herself about her, "goddamn fucking Cheerios". I started to slowly back out, but I tripped over my own feet. She heard and yelled at me for "sneaking around". FML

Today, in the lunch line at school, a kid literally ordered a "hamburger with extra swag." FML

NO MORE!

Today, on my way to Burger King I got into a heated discussion with my wife about our cats. We have 15 rescues, and I've reached my limit. Guess what came running up to my car while waiting in the drive-through. We named him Pickles. FML

Today, my kitten was playing with the drawstring on my pajama pants. He then jumped, clinging on to my crotch. I screamed in pain, which scared him and made him hold on tighter. My cat was literally hanging from my vagina with its claws for a good 30 seconds before I could pry him off. FML

React content

Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunderstorm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML

Tick tock

Today, I was walking downtown. I'm 57 years old, and I'm pretty well along in terms of hair loss. On top of that, I recently hurt my left leg and am walking with a crutch. I passed two teenagers, who were looking at me, and I overheard, "Yeah, I agree. I'm much more scared of aging than death." FML

Get it on

Today, after a great night of sexual ecstacy, I ran to answer the door. The angry woman standing there introduced herself. ''Hi, I'm your neighbor. My seven year-old son's bedroom is just next to yours and when you scream at night, he gets scared. Do you think you could keep it down?'' FML

Nice timing

Today, I went to my grandfather's funeral. As I stood there, bawling my eyes out, my aunt came over and put her arm around me. She leaned her head close to mine. I assumed she was going to say something comforting. Instead she asked where I'd bought my shoes from. FML

Today, I had a great time with a girl I liked. I asked her out and she said yes. She also said she cuts herself and if I ever broke up with her, I'll be responsible for her death. FML