tom9686

Today, we were visiting my great-grandma, who has Alzheimer’s. We spent most of the day with her and she didn't know who we all were. Time came for us to leave so when I gave her a hug good-bye, she whispered into my ear, "You're my type." FML

Today, I made a fake MySpace so that I could flirt with my boyfriend and see what he would do. He ended up dumping me for the fake MySpace girl. FML

Today, I had to pull cheese out of my PS3's disc tray because my younger brother assumed all PS3's could grill stuff because "Youtube told him." FML

Today, I found out that when you hit the neighbor's dog with your car, they might chase you a mile with a shotgun. FML

Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML

Today, I found out I have a daughter. How did I find out? She added me on Facebook. FML

Today, after having been a vegetarian for 8 years because I'm opposed to cruelty to animals, I lost a bet and had to eat a whole cheeseburger. I loved it. FML

Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make myself feel better. FML

Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML

Today, I was walking by a pond when I saw a small frog. I decided to catch it to get a close look. After I picked it up, I realized that it was not a frog. It was dog shit shaped like a frog. FML

Today, I had to explain to my son that his dad was too busy in a raid on World of Warcraft to be at his award ceremony. FML

Today, I went to the store with my 4 1/2 year old daughter. When we got to the cosmetics aisle, she asked what make-up was for, I told her it was to make women prettier. My daughter then told me it was a good thing I wear make-up because I was ugly and that I might scare off my husband. FML

I'm fine, this is fine

Today, I found out that my girlfriend feeds her boogers to our dog. Sometimes she even makes her do tricks for them. FML

Today, my mother told me that the carbon-monoxide alarm went off last night, but since she didn't smell any gas, she decided to just remove the batteries and go back to bed. I had to explain to her that you can't smell carbon monoxide, and that we could have died in our sleep. FML

Today, I got mauled by a cat named Mr. Sprinkles. FML

Today, I have the flu, food poisoning, and I'm on my period. I have enough liquids pouring out of me from various holes to satisfy a sewer. FML

Today, I found out that I was not adopted and in fact my parents are my biological parents. How did I find out? Over dinner. How long have I been believing I was adopted? 22 years. Why did I start believing I was adopted? My siblings thought it would be a funny joke. My mom played along. FML

It's a gas gas gas

Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML

Life goals

Today, my daughter told me she wants to be a stripper when she grows up, just like "Daddy's girlfriend." We're still married. FML

Scared for life

Today, like most days, my cat brought something to my doorstep. Usually it's a slew of dead mice, but this time he brought this big, ugly snake. I'm always the only one in my family "brave" enough to go fetch our cat's gifts. It took until lifting it up to realize the snake wasn't dead. FML

Today, I realised I know the map on World of Warcraft better than the map of my own country. FML

Today, I grounded my daughter for putting play doh in the toaster. She's 17 and got into Columbia early admissions. FML

Today, in math, I was working on an assignment and this really cute girl comes over and says my name. At this point, my heart is pumping with excitement and I'm thinking she is going to ask for my number. She said, "Did you know someone drew a penis on your back?" FML

Today, I woke up and found a small leg of what used to belong to a spider on the corner of my mouth. FML

Today, my friends told me, "Don't worry about your bad acne. It kind of looks like the pattern the avatars have on their heads." FML

Today, I went skiing. Trying to show off to some inexperienced skiers, I flew past them at my top speed, a bracket snapped off my boot and I slid on my face for about 30 metres. FML

Today, at the supermarket, I ignored the "Riding on trolleys down the ramp is strictly prohibited" sign. While going full speed down the ramp, my trolley with $200 worth of groceries in it tipped and crashed. Luckily, I broke its fall. FML

Lock your doors

Today, a drunk man opened the unlocked door to my house thinking it was his house. He tried to attack me because he thought I was a burglar. FML

Today, my step-mom yelled at me for an hour, calling me a slut because our male dog saw me naked. FML

Insult to injury

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years left me for a guy whose favorite color is camouflage. FML