gosh_mate

Today, I discovered I have narcolepsy. During a driving test. FML

Today, after my friend let me use his Amazon Prime account to order Christmas presents, he messaged me which presents have arrived... but he messaged the group chat the gift recipients are a part of instead of just me, spoiling the surprises. FML

Today, on a trip with my girlfriend to visit her sister in Finland, she decided that I didn't comfort her enough when she got scared crossing the street. She broke up with me and kicked me out at 1:30am. I'm in a foreign country, all alone, without a place to stay. FML

Today, my girlfriend admitted to me that she has been sleeping with someone on her girls basketball team, which at first turned me on. Then I found out he's the team manager. FML

Of All The 'Recreated Disney' Art Out There, This Artist Depicting Disney Characters On The Internet Is Definitely The Best Yet

Wasting our lives on the internet is a real FML, but it won't be long before Disney starts incorporating the world wide web into their movies.

Marvel Comics

Today, my boyfriend fingered me. He never cuts his nails. It felt like I was getting intimate with Wolverine. FML

They're perfect for each other!

Today, I took my brother to the ER. His bimbo girlfriend told him he has "ironing board abs" so they had the bright idea of ironing her clothes on his stomach. When the Dr. asked him why he didn't stop if it burned, he said he didn't want to look "like a pussy". He'd have likely drowned if she'd gotten it right and said "washboard abs". FML

Today, after working for 12 hours in the cold rain on muddy terrain, my coordinator drove down a hill and didn't come back. I was stuck in the middle of nowhere, forced to walk two hours uphill back to HQ to find him there. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided to fart in our bathtub to see if it would echo. It wasn’t a fart. FML

Today, at the breakfast table my mum asked me what I thought about the plumber who came to our place a couple of weeks ago. I told her that I thought he was really cute and how hard I tried to flirt with him, she nodded and told me that he is her new boyfriend and might move in with us soon. FML

Generous

Today, a homeless guy asked me for a cigarette. Knowing that I only had a couple left in my pack, I gave it to him. He opened it, took one out and thanked me profusely. A bit surprised, I went on my way. Oh yeah, that's right, the pack contained the money I'd withdrawn from an ATM. FML

Today, my boyfriend texted me and said I had forgotten my blue bra. I don't have any blue bras. FML

Today, my wife said she wants a divorce. Three days ago, I added her onto the title to my house, my bank accounts, and my business. FML

Today, my best friend can't be at my birthday party. I found out it's because she's having her birthday party on the exact same day. I guess my present is not having to deal with that hypocrite anymore. FML

Leaky

Today, I went on a date with a new guy after not dating for quite some time. I'd drank a lot of water, so I wouldn't eat so much on the date and look like a pig. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten how funny this guy really was. He made me laugh so hard, I peed all over myself. FML

Today, while I was volunteering at the homeless shelter, one of them "accidentally" kissed me. It felt like my face was being sucked by a vacuum. FML

Quickie

Today, I was ecstatic to have received a friend request from my crush of grade 4 after 11 years. He's grown up to be such a hottie. I quickly accepted his request, he messaged me and we ended up chatting for hours. Later, when I messaged him, he called me clingy, and unfriended me from Facebook. FML

Grocery Store Employee Fired For Working Too Hard

One enthusiastic Lidl employee in Barcelona, who often showed up at work an hour and a half before his shift was fired after violating the company’s unpaid overtime regulations.

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. As he came, he yelled "FIRST, BITCHES!" FML

Today, my boyfriend keeps trying to convince me that the hickey on his neck was from his friend attacking him with a vacuum cleaner. FML