Today, I was having sex with my wife. Halfway through, I had to go to the bathroom, but she complained so I stayed. It was explosive diarrhea. I was on top. FML
Today, while looking at a house to buy, I opened a bathroom door. There was a naked man on the toilet. FML
Today, I made my first ever chocolate fudge, which turned out really nice. I had a bite and left it on the counter with plastic wrap covering, only to come back later to find my sister's cat pissing on it. FML
Today, I accompanied a friend to the hospital to visit the guy I like, who was just out of surgery and still high. When he asked who we were, my friend immediately said that I was his wife. He then started bawling, saying, "Oh God! No! What did I do to deserve this?!?" FML
Today, I watched my husband pick his dead foot skin and say, "That's a keeper!" before putting it in his mouth. FML
Today, my angry ex-girlfriend ordered a bong to my house in my name. I came home to my parents screaming at me, demanding to know where "the weed" was. FML
Today, I heard something you don't want to hear at the dentist: "I need a bigger drill." FML
Today, my 12 year-old step-child told me he’s been deliberately wetting - and sometimes crapping - the bed because he’s too lazy to get up, and knows it’s someone else’s problem to clean up after him. It’s been going on for years. FML
Today, at work, I cashed out a sweet old lady. As I handed her the bag, she looked at me kindly and said, "Don’t worry sweetie. It'll get better," to which I responded, "What will get better?" She smiled at me and said, "Your face." FML
Today, my 3-year-old missed the toilet. In the time it took me to get paper towel to clean it up, my one-year-old decided it was the perfect puddle to play in. FML
Today, I was using my flashlight app in the driveway to avoid stepping in puddles, as my new shoes are untreated suede. I dropped my phone in the puddle instead. FML
Today I found out that my 21-year-old son has been using my face razor on his balls and butthole since he was 13. The best part is that he doesn't actually clean it when he's done; he just wipes the hair off. FML
Today, whilst cleaning the living room, I heard snickering coming from my bedroom. My two nephews had found my "play cupboard" and were blowing up condoms like balloons. FML
Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but when I took out the ring it flew out of the box and disappeared. She's been crying for 3 hours and I'm down 2 grand. I still don't know what her answer is. FML
Today, I gave my mom an extra pillow since the ones in the guest room were too flat and hurt her neck. Hours later, I remembered that I'd stashed my vibrator in that pillowcase during a romantic camping trip with my husband. She found it. FML
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