Starzak

WTF dude?

Today, I went on a blind date. The first words that came out of his mouth were, "Rape isn't that bad if you think about it." FML

Not so anal retentive then…

Today, after finally breaking up with my controlling girlfriend, she took a shit in my socks. FML

Today, I was listening to music on my phone. I activated Siri by mistake, which stopped the music. I told Siri to, "turn the damn music back on." She replied, "Now calling Afton." Afton is my ex. While trying to quickly end the call, my phone froze and the buttons stopped working. FML

Rare insults corner

Today, a little girl came up to me and told me I looked like a foot. Thanks a bunch, darling. FML

Classic Jeff

Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband decided it would be a good idea, when he was supposed to do his speech, to stand up and say, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. Genitals. That is all." FML

Today, I embarrassed myself by screaming for help in a crowded mall when my shoelace got stuck at the top of the escalator. Someone behind me kicked the shoelace and it came out easily. FML

Today, my mom received a condolence card from my high school's alumni association for my recent passing. I'm still alive! FML

Today, I politely asked our overweight neighbour to park on her side of the garage. Three unsuccessful tries later, she drives out and parks on the street in a huff, and I'm now the world's biggest bastard because she can't legally park on her side and still open her door due to her size. FML

Thanks for the heads up

Today, at his request, I met up with my brother for lunch so we could catch up. Apparently, our mother put him up to it so he could tell me our parents are getting a divorce. They didn't want to tell me themselves because I'm "too emotional." FML

Debate

Today, after arguing with my husband over who needed the car more, I thought he clearly won. As the loser, I spent the day walking everywhere. Later, I learned that he thought I'd won and left the car in our apartment parking garage for me while he took the bus to work. FML

Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML

Today, someone sent a dick pic to my 16-year-old, lesbian daughter. She handed me her phone and asked, "What is that, a naked mole rat?" FML

Today, I'm dating a guy who's back hair is longer than his dick. FML

Today, my hand fell asleep while I was masturbating. My own body rejected me. FML

Today, when I asked my husband to join me in the shower to "save water", he said, "Let the environment suffer, not me." FML

Today, my wife and I drove to the other side of the country to attend a swingers party where we thought no one knew us. So did my parents. FML

Today, I had to suspend a student. Apparently, someone convinced him that he turned invisible. He walked into the girls locker room thinking he could not be seen. I work at a high school. FML

Today, my son shaved his eyebrows. Two days ago, I caught my 10-year-old daughter watching porn. I'm totally winning at parenting. FML

Today, I tried to pick up two girls by asking them what time it was. They burst out laughing. FML

Today, I had a barbecue. My boss won't believe me tomorrow when I tell him that the main pages of his 2-months worth of work file helped make the best sausages I've ever cooked. FML

Today, my 6-year-old son said to me, "You smell nice daddy." Surprised but flattered, I thanked him. He then added, "I like the smell of cheese!'" FML

Today, on the bus, a young high school boy sat down next to me and started to chat me up. I thought it was cute until he asked me which high school I was attending. I'm 27, I'm married, I have a child. FML

Today, at the age of 22, I started eating my boogers. FML

Today, I woke up and I'm still in the Marine Corps. FML

Today, my nephew asked me how babies are made. I thought he'd had this chat with his mom, but I went in to it again. After a 20 minute 'discussion', he says "So what about the good stuff - get to the blowjobs and the lesbians." He's 11. FML

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn't pick up hers. FML

Today, my mother and I got into a huge fight about me being a lesbian. It ended with me saying "Fuck you!" to which she responded: "I bet you'd probably like to." FML

Today, I was trying on lingerie in the dressing room of Victoria’s Secret with my boyfriend next to me. I told my him in a seductive, playful tone “You can stay and watch if you give me a piece of your gum.” He said “No I only have three more” and left the room. FML

Today, a creepy man on the subway said he liked my eyeballs. It was the best compliment I've received in months. FML

Today, I was walking along the street and passed a young couple. Over my shoulder I heard the girl say to her boyfriend, "Would you still love me if I looked like her?" FML