Today, a man started a deep conversation with me at the bus stop about life, death, and the miracles of things we take for granted every day. I was really enjoying it until he looked at his watch and said, "Oh shit, mushrooms make me lose track of time!" and ran off into the night. FML
Today, my boyfriend of five years got me a ring for Christmas. When I opened it, I was speechless and overjoyed. He then said, "It's just a ring. It doesn't mean anything." FML
Today, I saw a customer at the restaurant I work at lovingly petting his cheeseburger and whispering sweet promises to it. FML
Today, I came home early to surprise my wife. No, it's not what you're thinking: I didn't find her cheating on me. She wasn't even home, but my dad was. He'd used his spare key and was on my sofa, drinking my beer, and watching my TV. The first words out of his mouth? "Your beer's shit." FML
Today, I fell asleep with my luggage at a bus terminal. Upon waking up, I found that someone had opened my bags and stolen all my socks. FML
Today, I asked my 12-year-old son what he wanted for his birthday. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "A whore." FML
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