Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year-old daughter texted me from her room, "Stop." FML
Today, I was playing with my vibrator. I was getting close when all of a sudden it short-circuited and made a sound like a laughing clown, scaring me half to death. FML
Today, my daughter learned a new song. This would be great, except for the lisp her teacher has. I now have a child screaming about the "itchy bitchy spider" at the top of her lungs. FML
Today, I found a decomposing hamster deep in my closet. My daughter had hidden "Peach" after accidentally killing it and said it had ran away a month ago. And I'd believed her. FML
Today, I was walking to my car with 600 dollars worth of books because I start college next week, when I was robbed by some guy that sounded like Cartman. He punched me because I could not stop laughing whenever he would try to threaten me. FML
Today, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up behind my dad and yell "BOO!" to scare him. He didn't even flinch. All he did was calmly look over his shoulder and sigh, "Oh for fuck's sake. And you wonder why I don't love you." FML
Today, I showed my husband a recipe for the meal I wanted us to make tonight. He saw cumin was an ingredient and broke into hysterics. By the time he managed to stop laughing, he gasped that he couldn't eat something "with cumin it" and broke down laughing again. FML
Today, my fiancée was asleep, so I decided to spoon her from behind and cup her boobs to wake her up nicely. She responded by yelling, "THE TOAST!" and elbowing me in the face whilst still asleep. FML
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