TheSgLeader

Today, it's my birthday. My girlfriend gave me the present she'd bought for me. I said, joking, "I hope it's not a tie!" It was a tie. FML

Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I didn't fight some guy that started hitting her right in front of me... In a dream. She was totally serious. FML

Today, my throat is really swollen so I can only drink liquid. I noticed home-made ice-lollies in the freezer and had one. It tasted funny. Turns out my little brother had peed in one of those ice-lolly box and put it in the freezer. FML

Today, I was taking off my underwear to change into fresh clothes. Pulling them down, I realize there's a big fat spider in them. Not only did I have a spider chilling with my genitals the whole day, but I'm deathly afraid of them. FML

Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML

No love lost

Today, my estranged mother texted me saying, "Gran died, LOL." My grandmother and I were fairly close, so I was shocked and disgusted. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and asked if she knew what "LOL" meant. She did. FML

Today, I was supporting my aunt as she gave birth. She was getting tired during the pushing stage, so I tried to encourage her by making a show of pushing as well with each contraction. I got a little too into it and accidentally gave birth to a little turd of my own. FML

Today, I was on a boat and I thought I saw a towel fly off, but it was actually my fricken dog. FML

Today, I had to take my daughter to the ER. Her brother had bet she couldn't go the whole day without talking. So to win the bet, she tried to super-glue her lips together so she couldn't accidentally say anything. FML

Today, I got a nose piercing. I was asleep at the time in my backyard, and the piercer was a snake. FML

Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML