thatonelosergirl

Today, after selling their car, my parents decided to inform me that my car (that I paid for myself) is now going to be the "Family Car". They also informed me that since it is, after all, my car, I'll still have to pay for the gas and maintenance. FML

Today, I was playing catch with my 6 year old cousin in the garden, when he demanded a piggy back. Trying to be the good cousin, I did so and he soon shouts "Run! Run!" so I do so. Suddenly he shouts "STOP! My winky's gone pointy". I gave my 6 year old cousin an erection. FML

Quick, hide!

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house. When things started heating up, I heard the front door open and my girlfriend said that it must be her Dad. She handed me my clothes, pushed me out the window, and told me to knock at the front door. Her Dad answered, holding my shoes. FML

Today, I was going to ask this girl I love to homecoming. I set up a scavenger hunt, and my friend led her through it. At the end of the scavenger hunt I had a note that said, "Homecoming?" She said yes and hugged my friend. When I told her it was me who was asking, she laughed and said no. FML

Today, at my work at a designer clothing store, we received a list of photos from the police of known shoplifters. My coworkers were looking at the list saying "Eugh, look at that one: you'd shoplift with a face like that". I walked over and saw that they were looking at a photo of my boyfriend. FML

The truth

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing a game where you ask sexual questions and you have to give an honest answer. At one point, I asked my boyfriend what his favorite position is, to which he quickly answered with no hesitation, "Any one where I don't have to see your face or body." FML

Today, I got a call from a prominent orchestra asking me to play with them. They were especially interested because I'm still in high school. I called to accept only to find out that my mother had already declined the offer for me because I "only" have a 3.7. FML

Today, after I'd spent $3,000 dollars in preparations to move in with my girlfriend of 2 and 1/2 years, she confessed she's a mental patient who stole someone else's identity. She was telling the truth. FML

Today, it was the elections for Student Council President. I decided to be nice and vote for the only other competitor because it was her birthday. I lost by one vote. FML

Talk to me

Today, my wife told me she had stopped taking her anti-depressants a month ago in hopes of increasing her non-existent sex drive. I asked her if it had helped, and was about to suggest she start taking them again for her own wellbeing. She replied with, "Anyway, I'm just not attracted to you." FML

Today, I was turned down for a job as a cashier at Best Buy. I worked like hell to get into and then graduate from one of the top Telecommunication schools in the country. I spent all my time with extracurriculars to help my resume instead of partying like my friends. I can't even be a cashier. FML

Weird interaction

Today, I went over to my best friend's house only to have his little brother run up to us and confess his love to me. His little brother is twelve and I've tutored him for a year. I'm seventeen and male. Now my best friend thinks I 'taught' him something weird. He won't talk to me. FML

Junk

Today, I learned that there is a limit to being thrifty. For example buying a pan from the dollar store is most likely going to cost a lot more than a few dollars. Especially when it melts all over your stove which you now have to replace. FML

Today, I called a suicide prevention hotline. No one picked up. FML

Hard no

Today, the only guy showing slightly any interest in me is a Nazi-obsessed psychopath. He uses lovely pick-up lines such as, "Hey, do you know how much it hurts to staple your hand?" FML

Today, I was leaving Wal-Mart with my daughter when a man was speeding the wrong way in the parking lot. To avoid getting hit, I pulled over to the side. He thought I was going the wrong way. He got out cursing and screaming and punched a dent in my hood. FML

Reminder

Today, I was working the night shift at the hotel I'm employed at. After checking in a young couple to the room above the main office, I was forced to listen to them having it off for most of the night, serving a very loud reminder that I've been single for five years. FML

Today, the bartender pulled me aside and told me that she saw my date slip something into my drink. Who was my date? My husband of four years. FML

Today, I went to IHOP for breakfast. As we were leaving, I realized a little girl took my Hello Kitty hairclip. For the next 5 minutes, I fought with an 8 year-old for a hairclip. She won. FML

Today, my shrink diagnosed me as severely depressive, due to a lot of stress and yells at home. After the session, my parents argued about whose fault it was and then went on to yell at me for being depressive and wasting their money. FML

Today, I had to get bloodwork done. I'm deathly afraid of needles. The whole lobby heard me scream as soon as the nurse said 'hello'. FML

Today, I missed my shift at work. I had asked my girlfriend, who works at the same store, to text me my schedule. She sent me the wrong hours for today. I got suspended, and she broke up with me for being too irresponsible. FML

Today, the girl I like sent me a Facebook message telling me how the message I left on her phone was one of the funniest drunk dials she's ever gotten. I'm debating whether or not I should tell her that I don't drink. FML

Today, my boyfriend called me over for dinner. When I walked in the door, he asked why I was here; apparently he dialed the wrong girlfriend. FML

Today, my ex-girlfriend was having lunch with my parents. Believing she was in love with me and feeling the same, I dropped by. My parents told me that she’s their friend and that she has a boyfriend that they approve of, all while telling me I was never good enough for her. FML

I'll just hang out I guess

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love. Her phone rang, and she stopped to answer it. It was her ex-boyfriend, calling her from jail. She talked to him for 15 minutes. To top it all off, before she hung up, I heard her tell him she loved him, and couldn't wait for him to get out. FML

RIP

Today, I received two cards in the mail for my late husband for his birthday. He has been dead for four years now, and the cards were from our two children, who live several states away. This is the fourth time it's happened, and neither of them answer my calls. Ever. FML

Today, my mother keyed my car because I wouldn't invite her into my home and get her a cup of tea, so she could continue screaming that she was going to kill me while I tried to feed my 4 month old daughter. The last time I got her a cup of tea she threw it in my face. FML

Today, my family and I were watching Mulan, and I mentioned that I've always had a crush on Shang. After going into detail about how I would "marry his sexy voice" I decided to look up this mystery dream man. To my surprise he was played by Donny Osmond. I will never live this down. FML

Today, my family is going to the USA for Christmas after being lucky and getting their tickets re-booked. My ticket was canceled due to the snow, and will not be re-booked. Merry Christmas to me, myself and a bottle of wine. FML