aranea

Today, I had an elaborate plan to ask this girl to Prom, and it was going to take a few minutes to set up. I asked my friend to distract her. He decided to distract her by asking her to Prom. She said "Yes". FML

Today, when putting something away on a high shelf, something small and black fell down my cleavage. I thought nothing of it and finished the task at hand. When I pulled out the neck of my shirt later to find it and looked down, glaring up at me from my boobs was a large, disgruntled spider. FML

Naptime

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

Today, my cat tried to kill me. While I was sleeping, he put his paws on either side of my face and laid down, covering my nose and mouth. While I was struggling to free myself, I could hear my sister laughing next to me. FML

Today, I had to explain in great detail why it is inappropriate for my boyfriend to grab at my vagina in public. He did it again twenty minutes later. FML

Today, as I was driving to work, I witnessed a kid apparently getting jumped. Being a good citizen, I got out and started yelling at them. I ended up alongside the kid in the hospital. FML

Today, I came home to an eviction notice after an apartment inspection. The reason? Having an unauthorized pet that could cause unnecessary damage to my suite. My pet is a goldfish. FML