JtPv

Today, I dressed up as Batman for a comic book convention. I was hit by a car on the way there by a man dressed up as the Joker for the same convention. FML

Misunderstanding

Today, my husband tried to annoy me by slurping on his almost-finished drink. I yelled at him to knock it off. Later, our daughter told her class that mommy and daddy had been fighting about his drinking during breakfast. FML

Today, my puppy came into my room, and I cupped his head in my hands and bent down to kiss him. As I did, I realized that the part of his head I was kissing was covered in his own shit that he'd seemingly been rolling in. FML

Today, I was on the tram, when an elderly couple got on. I stood up to give them room to sit together, but as I stood up, the tram set off and I went flying, knocking the elderly gentleman over. FML

Hang in there

Today, I was on the toilet when my cat came in and jumped up on the sink. Apparently my lap looked like a comfier seat, so she jumped onto it. She misjudged the distance, but luckily caught herself by sliding to a stop, with her claws in my bare thighs. FML

Today, I was working as a nurse, and an elderly man had just passed away. As the patient's wife was leaving she said, "Thank you for taking such good care of my husband." Then I, intending to say "Sorry for your loss," said "Thank you for your loss." FML

Oh no…

Today, I was telling my girlfriend about how my parents are flying out to Japan today on vacation. She was shocked at how short the flight will be, because "It's on the other side of the world." We live in the USA, and it seems I'm dating a Flat Earther. FML

Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML

Spinning out

Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML

Today, I walked to work. I later discovered that my husband had parked my car in a no-parking area. My job is towing cars. I had to tow my own car. FML

Today, one of my cats gave birth. My other cat responded by eating the new litter in a jealous rage, then got indigestion and vomited. I had to clean up regurgitated kittens. FML

Good one, thanks

Today, I was at Basic Training for the Army when I got a package in the mail from my friends back home. You are required to open your packages in front of your drill sergeants and peers at Basic. When I opened it, it was a dildo. FML

Today, I returned to work after a much-needed vacation. I got a lot of weird stares from my co-workers, and my boss eventually came over and told me to go home. Why? My work week starts tomorrow, not today. FML

Today, I came home a little earlier than usual, only to walk in on my dad frantically trying to remove a ballgag from my mom's mouth. FML

Today, I let my son take my car out for a spin, since he just got his licence. He didn't make it out of our street before totaling it. FML

Keep cool

Today, I received a phone call that started with, "Now stay calm… Your house is on fire." FML

Today, I found out that my dad writes really weird and scary slash fiction involving characters from all of the CSI TV show franchises. FML

Today, my elderly neighbour was having some kind of house party. It was incredibly loud, so I went and asked if he could tone it down a little. He responded by grabbing a deck chair, smacking me with it, then chasing me back to my house, all while his guests cheered him on. FML

Today, I woke up to a very unpleasant feeling. Apparently, the tattoo I got on my arm a couple of days ago attracted hundreds of ants during its healing process. They were literally carrying away pieces of my skin. I can not get the feeling or image out of my head. FML

Today, I met up with my estranged father for the first time in almost 15 years. I saw him again later, while he was robbing my house. FML

Unsupported

Today, a customer spent ages bitching me out, because he refused to believe he needed to upgrade his computer, which still runs Windows 98, in order to install a modern game for his grandson. He ended up calling my manager and trying to get me fired for scamming him. FML

Today, while working at a client's house, I noticed that their sliding calendar was several months off. I fixed it. Later the daughter saw and started crying. Apparently the date was the last one her mother had set it to before she died. FML

Today, my little sister opened a lemonade stand in front of our house. Surprisingly, she actually had a lot of customers, all kids. Two hours or so later, some parents came back complaining and threatening to sue my family. Turns out that what we thought was lemonade was actually beer. FML

It wasn't me

Today, a woman screamed at me for five minutes, demanding to know how long I'd been having an affair with her husband. I explained for the second time that she'd dialed a wrong number. FML

Today, I found out my 13-year-old daughter thinks the showerhead got her pregnant. FML

Today, I went skiing with a girl I like. On the lift I asked her out. She said no. Halfway up the lift stopped. We were stuck up there for nearly an hour. FML

Today, my teenage daughter found out that she's pregnant, but insists she's still a virgin. Who does she think knocked her up? God? FML

Today, I woke up to a loud crashing in the middle of the night. I went to investigate, but found nothing amiss. Nothing except an axe firmly wedged in my front door, that is. It's safe to say that I have no clue who did it, and that I needed a fresh pair of underwear. FML

Today, a guy came into the small coffee shop I work at, and got angry because I wouldn't accept his Starbucks gift card as valid payment. When I told him we clearly aren't a Starbucks, he said "It's all the same shit" and ended up throwing a punch at me. FML

Spooky season is nearly here

Today, I walked in on my daughter lighting candles around one of her friends, who'd fallen asleep while her other friends chanted something in a different language. They still won't tell me what they were doing. FML