Hans182

Today, I've become so accustomed to finding my sister drunk or otherwise passed out in the same spot in the living room that every time I go in there, I instinctively lift my feet higher as though to step over her, even when she's not there. FML

Today, a colleague told me he was pretending to be me on a dating site, and that he has four pending dates. Last time I tried being myself, my first and only date pushed me down some stairs. FML

Today, I had been stress-eating a lot of junk food during finals week at college. I was feeling worried about my figure, and lifted up my shirt to see myself in the mirror. My boyfriend, who I didn't know was watching, promptly said, "Whoa babe, it looks like the condom broke!" FML

Today, while trying to explain to my friends what an anxiety attack is like, I had an anxiety attack. FML

Today, the bladder infection I thought I was over flared up at work, causing me to piss myself, despite having gone twice in the previous hour. I still had to finish my shift, soaked pants and all. FML

Today, my mother won't let me intern at a prestigious college, working with graduate students and professors, and being paid, because she doesn't want to drive me. FML

Today, the small plane I was on almost crashed, all because the pilot's girlfriend figured out mid-flight that he's been cheating on her, causing her to start screaming abuse and furiously beating him. FML

Today, my boyfriend came to my house for the first time. Today was also the day my body decided to throw up violently for four hours while he awkwardly sat beside me, waiting for his ride home. FML

Confused

Today, my stepmom sat me down and told me that she doesn't think that my dad is my biological father because she hasn't gotten pregnant from him. I don't think she quite understands the concept of being a stepmom. FML

Plans

Today, a close friend told me she had no plans for her birthday. I found out she was lying when I had to serve her and nine other mutual friends dinner at the restaurant I work at. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I wasn't invited or that none of them even remembered that I worked there. FML

Today, I was volunteering at a gift-wrapping booth to raise money for autism, and helping others takes my mind off the fact that my mom died at Christmas. While carefully wrapping a present, offering bows, ribbons, and a gift tag, a snobby bitch said to me, "You're not doing a very good job." FML

Today, my girlfriend tells me she missed her period this month. I felt excited until she said, "I will let you know the results of the paternity test." I was not aware we needed a paternity test. FML

Today, my daughter asked me if we could adopt a child. I said no, since we can't afford to support another child. She then asked me if she could just adopt another dad instead. FML

Today, I was at my job as a bagger in a grocery store when I felt the intense need to shit. On my way to the bathroom, an elderly customer insisted I go with her to find an item she needed, despite my telling her exactly where it was and that I was in a hurry. I didn't make it back to the bathroom. FML

Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML

Today, I started my new job at a small business. I was pretty excited to finally be working, until I found out the big boss is a creeper and sees no problem making comments such as "You're way more interesting than the rest of these slope-eyed fucks." FML

Today, my puppy went missing. I found him, unconscious but thankfully alive, in a taped-up box with no holes. My little brother eventually confessed to doing it because he wanted to sell my puppy on eBay. FML

Today, my constant constipation has become a running joke in my family; I heard my mom tell my dad that if he wants to keep his Christmas presents safe, he should ask me to eat them. FML

Today, a total stranger asked me to marry him while we were waiting for the bus. I turned him down. He then pulled a knife on me, grabbed my purse and ran. FML

Today, I spent the only money I had left for lunch only to take two bites before a seagull snatched my burger from my hands. I had to shamefully start walking back to work with a pair of girls laughing at me and an empty stomach. FML

Today, the guy I thought I was exclusive with admitted that the only reason he comes over is because no one else will sleep with him. FML

Today, my relatives told me that when I stay at their house for the holidays, I'm no longer allowed to be out past 10 because somebody drugged my drink once. I'm a 25 year old man. FML

Today, after adjusting me, my chiropractor said I should stop sitting for long periods of time, because it's likely the reason for my chronic back pain. My job is as his front-desk receptionist. He yells at me if I'm not at my seat. FML

Today, I wanted my boyfriend to meet my parents. My mum introduced herself as, "I'm Petra. I'm completely normal." FML

Today, I walked in on the 13 year-old boy I babysit masturbating while sniffing my jacket. FML

Today, I took a coach bus to travel to New York. Along the way, the bus stopped at Burger King and I went out to buy some food. When I got back, I couldn't find the bus. It left without me. FML

Today, I went to see Star Wars with my brother. The entire time he talked about how scientifically inaccurate and improbable the entire movie was. FML

Caught in 4K

Today, it's been a week since I flew down to stay with my long-distance boyfriend. We went on long walks on the shore, under the stars, and had an unforgettable picnic viewing the sunset. I just now received a message of screenshots displaying him attempting to hook up with another girl. FML

Today, my boss thought it would be a great idea to delay paying me until after Christmas. There goes rent, bills, food and of course Christmas presents. FML

Today, I spent the holiday with my husband's big family. They suggested we take a family picture, but two people were purposely left out of it. I was one of them. FML