NostalgiaFreak9

Busted

Today, I was arrested by the police for sitting in what they thought was a stolen vehicle. After being slammed into the back of a squad car at gunpoint, they realized the car was actually recovered a week ago. FML

Today, I learned the hard way why no matter how constipated you are, it is never a good idea to use a suppository when you are tired. FML

Inspired

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend. I started to come, screaming, "Ah... ah... ah... AHH!" To which he added, "Staying alive! Staying alive!" FML

Today, I crashed my car while racing backwards, so told my parents I was rear-ended. They made me call the police and file a report. I hope there were no cameras. FML

Hey ladies…

Today, I was driving and saw two hot girls on the sidewalk so I rolled down the window to whistle at them. However, I failed to notice that the car in front of me had stopped at a red light. I rear ended the car, the girls ran away laughing their asses off, and now I have to pay for the damage. FML

Today, my stepson objected to being woken up at almost dinner time. He knows I have PTSD from my 2 tours of duty, so he turned his speakers way up and blasted the sounds of gunfire through the whole house. I hyperventilated and passed out. Little bastard. FML

Get it on

Today, while in my room on the computer, I had a sudden urge to pee. I got up to use the loo and started hearing some disturbing noises from inside. Apparently I was so quiet my parents thought I was gone and decided to have sex in the shower. It's been an hour and my bladder is about to burst. FML

Today, I went to dinner with my girlfriend of 2 months. This would have been great, had I not been nodding absentmindedly when she suggested that we start planning our wedding soon, because "she's always dreamt of being married on the same day as Brad and Angelina." FML

Today, I discovered that my boss listens to the things we say about him on the audio-enabled cameras at our work. I'm thus currently jobless. FML

Today, I grounded my daughter for putting play doh in the toaster. She's 17 and got into Columbia early admissions. FML

Today, my boss thought it was funny to fire me by putting on dark sunglasses and saying "You have been terminated" in a bad Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. FML

TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML

Where on Earth do you work?

Today, the office I work at put up a "No Masturbating at Desks" sign. I'm disappointed by this, not because I usually whack off at my desk, but because enough people do that there needs to be a sign against it. FML

Today, after 6 months of university, sex was finally had in my bed. Unfortunately, I had no part in it, though I was in the bed while it happened. FML

Today, I got so lonely I decided to make sock puppets and play with them. I played for four hours straight, only to be interrupted by a phone call. I didn't answer because my sock puppets were "on a date" and I didn't want to stop playing. FML

Dream on

Today, I had another lucid dream. Like every time I lucid dream, I immediately started having tons of dream sex. That would've been fine if I hadn't been taking a nap on the living room couch in the middle of the day. The entire family heard my squirming and moaning and saw me nut my pants. FML

Today, I came home to find my Dad cheating on his new wife of six weeks. With my own mother who was supposedly dating "a real catch". Should I be happy that my parents love each other or pissed off that they're both whores? I can't decide. FML

Not worth it

Today, I got off late from my bartending job, which is close to my house, but my boyfriend begged me to come to his place half an hour away. I decided the sex would be worth the drive. He was sound asleep. FML

Today, I was at the DMV getting temporary tags for my new car. While waiting in line, a huge fat lady behind me felt the need to run her finger down the scar on the back of my neck. FML

Today, my dad got me a GPS for my birthday. I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't have a permit or a car. FML

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

I think we're alone now

Today, I needed to go to the toilet. Thinking that everyone had left work, I decided that, since I AM a Jedi, my penis ought to be my lightsaber. All of a sudden, I heard a familiar voice, saying, "At least someone's having fun…" It was my boss. FML

Today, my boss caught me playing games on the computer for 4 hours. My boss told me to feel free and continue, but to pack my stuff up and leave when I was done. FML

Confession time

Today, I was telling my boyfriend I had fake orgasms all the time to piss him off. He replied, "That's OK, I'm f***ing three other girls." FML

Horror movie

Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediately ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989." They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML

Nice try

Today, I cheated on a math test by writing a couple of equations on my hand. Totally satisfied, I handed my test in, feeling like I had aced it. As I was heading toward the door, I happily waved goodbye to my teacher. She saw everything. FML

Today, I spent the whole day seeing how many licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop: 763. I'm 24. FML

Clever boy

Today, I was minding a 6-year old boy. He begged me to take him somewhere. I rang his mum, and she said I could. He picked to go to McDonald's. He ordered chicken. After his meal, he told me he was vegetarian, and wanted to try some meat while his mum wasn't around. I got the blame. FML

Today, I waked in on my boyfriend and his best friend playing "Dick Wars" while wearing glow in the dark condoms. FML