RapGenius

Today, my boyfriend informed me of how I had really hurt his feelings. Apparently, not wanting to be sent a photo of his poop is hurtful. FML

Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML

Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML

Bad start

Today, I found out the hard way that no good girlfriend-boyfriend conversation ever started with, "Suppose I slept with your best friend…" FML

Today, at my job as a fast food manager, I saw one of my employees "trying to pick the bugs out" of our cookies. They were the raisins in them. FML

Today, a customer came into McDonalds and placed his order. He insisted on putting each coin on the counter rather than handing them straight to me, because he doesn't like touching "poor people". FML

Today, I saw a bulge in my friend's pocket. I poked it and asked, "What'cha got there?" He said, "Uh, that's my dick, Mike." FML

Break in

Today, two children decided it would be fun to try to ding-dong-ditch me. I never answered the door as I saw them running away. They did it a couple of times before getting bored. That's when they decided it would be fun to come into my house instead. FML

You got what you wanted

Today, I told my husband that I'm jealous of all the other girls whose husbands always take pictures of them together and post them online. He responded by posting a picture of himself, with me on the toilet in the background, captioned, "The bitch on the pot." FML

Today, I had some painful gas at work, so I tried to silently ease it out. It was silent all right; silent, and so deadly that someone exclaimed, "What the fuck?!" My coworkers traced it back to me. Now they're all pointing their mini desk fans in my direction to make a point. FML

Today, my girlfriend of three weeks found the engagement ring I tried to give to my ex. She started crying and said yes. FML

Today, while my teacher was demonstrating how to use the ultrasound equipment, we all figured out that I'm pregnant. FML

Today, I was staying in my family friend's house in France. The church bells ring every hour, which I thought was cute. Until 8 this morning where they rang 24 times. FML

Today, it's been a few months since my grandfather passed away. Now all of his porn subscriptions are getting forwarded to my address. FML

Today, my butt decided to delete the 650 photos I had on my phone. FML

Today, I won a gruelling fitness competition, only to find out the mystery prize was a voucher to get 10 free spray tans. I'm black. FML

Today, my daughter's teacher called me, very concerned, because my child told the whole class she's not a virgin anymore. The word is "vegan", Honey. FML

Today, I got high for the first time. Apparently I called my vet and told him my goldfish was barking. I found out when he called me back later to make sure we were both okay. FML

Astrology for nerds

Today, I got an Economics test back from my professor. I got a 17/20. I looked it over and noticed one of the questions was completely right. I checked the textbook he made and the answer was the same. I asked him why it was wrong, and he responded with, "I guess I changed my mind." FML

Today, I asked my dad to take me to the store so I could get some feminine hygiene products. When we got there, he went running down the aisles yelling, "Help! My daughter's bleeding to death! Where're the tampons?!" FML

Today, while giving directions to a blind guy, I accidentally made him walk into a wall. FML

Today, while running an event, my belt loop got caught in those metal whorls that outdoor chairs have. I couldn't get it undone and had to greet guests by standing up and bringing the chair with me, hanging from my ass. My coworker finally had to cut the belt loop to set me free. FML

Today, I asked a passenger what he wanted to drink. When he said marijuana, I started making pot jokes. He really asked for mineral water. I was given a drug test when we landed. FML

Today, I found out I'm allergic to condoms. Which would be great if my girlfriend wasn't allergic to birth control. FML

Today, my sister told me about her upcoming trip to Mexico. I asked her how she was going to do anything without knowing any Spanish. She told me she's "just going to read their lips". FML

Today, I attended an assembly regarding senior graduation. The assistant principal told us to look to the left and right of us, because those people would be our friends for the rest of our lives. I was the only one in the entire row. FML

Today, I watched from my office window as a couple maneuvered their car to squash a dead pigeon flat on the road. I then watched as they got out of the car, set up tripods and started taking photos of it. FML

Well played

Today, I found a book in my attic that I always read when I was a kid. For old times' sake I read it again. On the very first page, child me had written, "Go to page 15" so I did. On page 15, in big red letters, it said, "Get bent." I got pranked by myself. FML

Today, my 7-year-old used the word "crap". When I told her that she mustn't use that word because it's rude, she simply replied, "Mother, you should hear the words I use at school." FML

Today, after waiting for years for my oldest daughter to grow out of Twilight, my younger daughter discovered it. FML