militarybrat

Today, I saw my wife pick her nose and suck on her fingers. We're 38. FML

MY SHIT Do Not Eat!

Today, after months of tests for mystery nerve pain, I went to get more blood taken only to leave the clinic with an empty tin to collect my bowel movements for the next 72 hours. Which needs to be refrigerated. I live with four other people, with one fridge. FML

Today, I donated blood for the first time. I'm completely healthy and after waiting the appropriate amount of time I left, feeling fine. That is until I went out to eat with my family an hour later and passed out in front of the whole restaurant. FML

Today, I was lectured by a self-professed vegan over my "barbaric" eating habits, in between her scarfing down a tuna fish sandwich. FML

Today, my best friend called me a moron for disputing her belief that Canada is in South America. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had a threesome. He suggested we have another guy. It ended up devolving into a twosome, and I wasn't part of it. FML

Today, I discovered that when my husband agreed to donate sperm so an infertile friend and his wife could have children, there was nothing "artificial" about the insemination. FML

Today, my mom finally got a Netflix account after months of me begging. When I asked her what the login was, she refused to give it to me. She said, "Netflix will know it's not me and then they'll cancel our account." FML

Today, my mother-in-law got her driver's license, despite being prone to fainting, seizures, and being on so much medication that she sometimes forgets where she is. She now wants to drive us to all our family functions, and my father-in-law won't object because he doesn't want to damage her self-esteem. FML

Miserable

Today, I was let go from an unpaid internship. The reasons cited was that I seemed unhappy at work. No, that's just my face. FML