Acid1260

Today, my sister introduced our parents to her new boyfriend. He's my boyfriend, and he told me he was going to be out of state for a few weeks on business. FML

Today, I was quite drunk so I decided to take a piss kneeling down, so I wouldn't miss. I dropped the toilet seat on my little soldier. FML

Today, I saw my friend's car in front of school. I'd had a bad day and just wanted to talk with her. I got in and sat down, and felt something squish beneath me. Turns out it wasn't actually my friend's car, and I'd just sat on a random woman's cake. FML

Today, my mum decided that having the flu and being too lazy to go upstairs to the bathroom is a valid excuse to shit in a jug instead. 5ML

Today, I never really thought that my boyfriend and brother having the same name was too weird. Until I called out his name during climax. FML

Today, my boyfriend gave his penis a high five for not getting me pregnant. He does this every time I get my period. Every. Single. Time. FML

Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but I was so nervous that I had a panic attack, fainted and split my head open. My girlfriend then fainted at the sight of the blood. An onlooker had to call an ambulance for both of us. FML

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to hide in the washroom closet while I was taking a piss. I wasn't pissing, I was wanking. FML

Not now, dude

Today, I was hugging my girlfriend after she had a really bad day at work, when she burst into tears and started sobbing. For some reason that I'll never understand, it gave me a hard-on. She felt it, and now she thinks I'm a sick bastard. FML

Good boy

Today, my mother locked me out of the house. Why? The dog and her needed some time to talk. FML

Today, I finally felt ready to give my boyfriend a blowjob. Barely 20 seconds in, he said: "I'll be honest, this is TERRIBLE." FML

Today, there was a laundry basket of my clothes sitting in my room. My dad asked me if they were clean or not. When I said I didn't know, he picked up a piece of my clothing, sniffed it, and said it smelled fine. That piece of clothing just so happened to be my underwear. FML

Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML

Today, I was getting a pedicure to cheer myself up. I've been so lonely, I got overly excited when someone sat next to me, because I got to pretend I had a friend. FML

Not going out

Today, I've been one year sober. My health has improved a lot, unlike my social life, which has died a horrible, lonely death. FML

Today, I went to a first aid training course. I had to lie on the floor and pretend I was unconscious. We were supposed to be doing the recovery position, but the guy I was working with decided to perform CPR instead and grope my boobs in the process. FML

Today, I had to go to my dentist about a chipped tooth. I got it after my hand slipped off my dick and slammed straight into my face while I was masturbating. FML

Today, my mom spelled my name with all lowercase letters. When I asked her why she wrote it like that, she got pissed and snapped back, "Capitals are for people who amount to something." FML

Today, my now ex-boyfriend actually tried to justify his cheating by saying it doesn't count as cheating if the girl's bisexual. FML

Today, a customer bought several drill bits. When I asked him, "Do you want a bag for your bits?" he just stared at me uncomfortably, apparently thinking I was trying to come onto him. FML

Today, I dressed up as my friend for Halloween. He has a very distinct style and I thought my costume was pretty clever. When he saw me, he said he had never been so offended in his entire life, and now I feel like a complete asshole. FML

Today, my boyfriend was giving me a back massage while I was laying on my stomach. A few minutes into it, he stopped. I turned around to see why; he was taking a picture of my butt. FML

Directions

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML

Today, I finally got off my lazy ass and start studying for my upcoming exam. It was going pretty well, until my classmate called and after I proudly told him about my sudden motivation, the only thing he had to say was, "You got the date wrong, the exam was on thursday." FML

Today, while at work, I was shown CCTV footage of myself staring at the chest belonging to a teenager I was serving. I was accused of being a paedophile and nearly fired, all because I wanted to know what version of Spider-Man was on her T-shirt. FML

Today, my ex sent me a pack of beer to screw with me. I'm still going to AA, and I thought I was almost over it. Five bottles later, I realized I'm not. We didn't break up over my drinking, either; it was because after just 2 weeks of dating, she threatened to kill herself if I didn't marry her. FML

Today, my boss told me to fire the unstable, former military, gun nut employee. He's been making death threats to his supervisors. FML

Today, a character in the video game I was playing called my character a slut. My boyfriend ripped the controller from my hands, shot him dead, then fired the rest of my ammo into his corpse while yelling "FUCK YOU, BUDDY!" Good to know I'm dating a total lunatic. FML

Teenagers in love

Today, I sat my son down for a talk about how he's been too lazy to brush his teeth lately. I said, "Son, we need to have a chat about oral hygiene." He rolled his eyes, sighed, and said he already knew to clean "it" before a girl went down on him, and asked if he could go already. FML