chanelleyy

First impressions

Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. I introduced myself and went to shake her hand. She looked me up and down and said, "I don't shake hands with whores." FML

Today, at the gym, I realized the guy who has been staring at me for the past 3 days is the same guy I promised to text back 5 months ago. FML

Fight Club

Today, I got into a fight with my brother that somehow ended with him breaking my toe with a Fisher-Price airplane. FML

Today, while refereeing a soccer game, I was accused of being racist, blind, and a fascist by spectators. The game was played by a group of third graders. FML

Today, I let my sister hold my newborn daughter for the first time. I heard her mutter under her breath, "I could kill you so easily..." FML

Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I "jack off real weird." FML

Today, I decided to make what I thought was a pretzel recipe. I ended up eating cooked, egg-coated play dough. Literally, homemade Play-Doh. FML

Today, I found out my best friend made a program to reply to my text messages with random sentences from a list. It took 15 minutes of texting before I finally noticed. FML

Today, during school, I passed out in the lunch line and hit my head on the metal rail as I fell. Rather than helping or expressing concern at all, my friends simply left my unconscious body on the floor. Why? They had to get to the lasagna before the cafeteria ran out of it. FML

Vessels

Today, my mom bitched me out for still being single at age 19, and still not having started a family. She considers this "immoral," yet showed nothing but praise for my sister, who's pregnant at 15 and doesn't know which of three guys is the father. FML

Today, I found myself admiring my eyelids for being the only parts of my face not covered in acne. FML

Today, while working at McDonald's, an angry customer called asking for his money back. Apparently we'd put 6 cheeseburgers in his bag instead of 5, he ate them all and now feels sick. FML

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house at 9am to surprise him on our 1 year anniversary. In the process, I gatecrashed another celebration he was having with his second girlfriend. FML

Today, I turned 30. While all my friends are getting married, furthering careers and having children, I'm still sat around being as immature as I was as a teenager. I'm going through a classic case of premature age-jaculation. I laughed for 10 minutes after coming up with that. FML

Today, I woke up from a drunken one-night-stand. The person I slept with turned out to be heavily pregnant. She tried to convince me that I am the father and that I passed out for 7 months. FML

Today, my obsessive ex, who recently cut my phone line to stop me from talking to my boyfriend of three years, got a job at the same restaurant where both my boyfriend and I work. FML

Not a good sign

Today, the guy I like shoved me out of the way so he could talk to another girl. FML

Today, I fell asleep at my bus stop following a long day at work. I woke up to a homeless man giggling after he had clipped dozens of clothespins to my clothes, shoes, and hair in my sleep. FML

Today, I got rejected by a girl I wasn't even trying to ask out. FML

Today, I watched a little girl laugh while giving bread to some pigeons at a bus stop. A bus then arrived. All the pigeons moved out of the away, except one. Its head got crushed by a wheel, and some blood splattered onto the little girl's shoes, who then screamed. With laughter. FML

Today, a girl and I were flirting and it was going well. Feeling bold, I asked what she would do if I kissed her. She smiled flirtatiously and said "Why don't you try it and find out?" I went in for a kiss, and she slapped me. FML

Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML

Today, my neighbor finally password-protected his wifi. Right in the middle of my timed, online exam. FML

Bride of Chucky

Today, while babysitting a girl, I told her to be quiet so she wouldn't wake her little brother. In reply, she told me that she would kill me, wake her brother up to show him my dead body, then draw all over my face. I'm stuck with her for another two hours. FML

Today, I forgot I left my tampons in a grocery bag packed with food that I put into the fridge. I realized two hours later while frantically looking for a tampon. I'm still cold down there. FML

Today, I sent a group text round to my friends asking if they wanted to hang out sometime. One of my friends thought this was aimed directly at her and confessed her love for me. FML

Today, my 7 year old daughter explained to a taxi driver that she was born from my "vagina that doesn't have hair". He winked creepily at me and said, "I bet it doesn't." FML

Today, I logged onto Facebook to see one of my "friends" had used my account to post a coming-out story. It had comments on it such as "I knew it!" "Finally." and "That explains so much." FML

The Lovecats

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a fetish for cats. I think I'm going to have to meow before we do anything together. FML

Little shit

Today, I went to pick up my little brother from his friend's house. When I got there, he ran off screaming that he didn't know me. His friend's parents believed him. FML