babyboomerang

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Bad doggo

Today, I spent hours baking a multi-layered, detailed cake from scratch for my mom's birthday. It took two seconds for my dog to devour the cake while I picked up a spoon I dropped on the floor. FML