junko_enoshima

Bunch of freeloaders...

Today, after having my Wi-Fi unlocked for two years, I decided to lock it since it was running slowly. Everybody in my apartment building came to my door and asked me why I did it. I've been unknowingly providing free Wi-Fi to the entire building for years, but now that it's protected I'm getting constant dirty looks. FML

Today, at work, someone peed in the fitting room, after I told her she could not use the employee toilet. FML

Today, my friends and I spent hours on the Disney website playing in Pixie Hollow. We made our own fairies and flew around completing tasks for TinkerBell and her fairy friends. We're in college, and this is how we spent our Saturday night. FML

Today, I received a new debit card, so I cut the old one into pieces. I then picked up my remaining card, and realized I'd cut up the wrong one. FML

Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML

Today, in health class, I raised my hand and asked if you could get an STD from dogs. I have officially now ruined any extremely small chance I had of being popular. FML

Pleased to meet you

Today, I went straight from work to a blind date, and I decided to change in my car at the parking lot. Someone pulled up next to me as I had my ass to the window. It was my date. FML

Today, I walked in on my younger cousin trying to find Minecraft porn. FML

Today, I finally had to accept that I have feelings for a very cute and funny guy. It wouldn't be so bad if he weren't my brother. FML

Today, I felt cold while driving, so I blasted the heat. The one thing I didn't expect was a load of tiny spiders spilling out of the vents and writhing all over my dash. FML

Saved

Today, my daughter posted a poem on Facebook about how her father and I abused her for years. It's a complete lie and an obvious attempt to impress her boyfriend, whom she thanked for "rescuing" her. I've received several hateful messages already, along with threats to report me to CPS. FML

Today, I got in a huge fight with my pregnant wife because I cannot consent to naming our future daughter Paprika. FML

Today, as a dentist, I was performing simple tooth extraction when I realized that the X-ray was flipped the wrong way the whole time. I had to lie to the patient that the tooth that I accidently extracted needed to go as well. FML

Today, I set up a hidden camera in my room so I could prove that my sister beats me up when my parents aren't home, since they always accuse me of lying about it. When I showed them, they wasted no time accusing me of "provoking" her off-camera. FML

Same thing

Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML

Today, I'm studying abroad in Japan. For the first time, I had to ride the train home from school alone. My host sister told me which train and the time it left. I sat down on the train, feeling proud of myself when I realized she didn't tell me what stop was ours, and I barely speak Japanese. FML

Today, I woke up in the hospital after my sister saved me from "hanging" myself. In reality, my sister choked me because I ate her last chicken nugget. FML

Today, my budgie learned to fly, having finally outgrown his clipped wings. He flew straight over the gate, out the door and into my dogs jaws. FML

Today, I caught my 20 year old daughter having sex with my best friend's husband. Apparently it's my fault for coming home early. FML

Today, I participated in a walk for charity. Even though I was supposed to walk 5K, I stopped after 3K because the pain from my thighs rubbing together nearly sent me to tears. FML