Mademoiselle 2930264 29 ans Célibataire
Today, I found out my husband had bought my 1-year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML
Today my wife told me that the only reason we are together is because of my "D". Apparently we wouldn't have made it past the first year if I was smaller or bad in bed. FML
Today, one of my residents was having super loud sex. I'm an RA in a college freshman dorm, and I had to knock on her door and tell her to quiet down. I hate to be a cock-block, but she woke multiple people up, myself included. I live 4 doors down the hall from her. FML
Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home calling bingo numbers. One woman stood up and started making noises, so I assumed she had won and started clapping. She then fell on the floor and died of a heart attack. I essentially applauded her death. FML
Today, I realized I say "sorry" more than anything else during sex with my girlfriend. FML
Today, my friend's father got me mixed up with his new wife when telling stories for his wedding speech. Everyone noticed. The new wife was not pleased. FML
On the bright side, if she continues with ghosts, there is no chance of this woman procreating.
A good dad is the cure to those FML moments.
Today, after watching Shrek, my little brother started collecting his earwax to make it into a candle like Shrek did. I can’t get him to throw it away even after bribing him with bags of candy. FML
Today, I woke up sweating and gasping for air after having a terrible nightmare. The nightmare involved my deceased mother-in-law bitching me out for being a bad influence on her daughter and threatening to cut my nuts off. Even in death, she won't leave me be. FML
What an M. Night Shyamalan-esque twist!
The underlying idea that people with weight on them are somehow unworthy of love is a cultural FML for anyone who's not super thin.
These stories will make you wonder whether these students went to accredited universities or Jimbo's House of Learnin' Stuff.
Today, the girl that I fancy was sick and I offered to hug her, but she protested saying that she didn't want to get me sick. I told her, "If hugging you gets me sick, then I'll just have to deal with being sick." She gave me the biggest hug she could. I haven't stopped puking since. FML
*umtiss umtiss umtiss umtiss* FML
Today, I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. I moaned his name and he whispered, "I'm not David." Then, with an Italian accent, he said, "It's-a-me! Mario!" FML
Today, I took my pet rabbit to the vet because I had noticed his genitals looked swollen compared to my other rabbit's. It turns out he's just "gifted". The vet laughed at me. FML
This policeman was stuck thinking "FML" until the ice queen of Arendelle showed up to save the day.
It'a a regular "who wore it better!" except with gorgeous female celebrities, and.. this lady. To be honest, we think she wins.
Today, my boyfriend dislocated my jaw by sitting on my face while trying to fart on it. FML
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