janiiiis

Today, after numerous attempts, my car door still wouldn't unlock. After going ballistic on the lock, the key broke off inside. I then realized it wasn't my car. FML

Today, I drunkenly buried my girlfriend's recently deceased cat. Later she asked to see it and came back inside crying. It turns out I didn't bury it completely and its two back legs were poking out of the dirt. FML

Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had paid the bill, she said she was a lesbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

Loser

Today, I found out the hot girl I'd been flirting with on Facebook is actually three ten-year-olds who created a fake profile to see how many desperate losers would try to hook up with her. FML

Gas giant

Today, while giving a lecture about gasses to a large chemistry class, I went outside to let loose an unusually loud fart while they took some notes. I came back in only to see 300 students dying of laughter. I had left the wireless mic on. FML

Smell you later

Today, I came home from work to my basement flooding. With sewage. That wasn't from our house. FML

Today, I finally finished vacuuming my downstairs. Instead of finding the wall outlet and unplugging the vacuum, I triumphantly tugged the cord from across the room to release the plug from the wall. It flew at me at top speed and hit me in the face. FML

Today, I got into a car accident. I got into it because I noticed a flashy new sign on the highway that read "Being an attentive driver prevents car crashes". Thanks for the notice. FML

Naptime

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

Today, I have both a cold and a period. Tomorrow, I will have a cold, my period and my wisdom teeth taken out. FML

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

Today, my boyfriend started talking to my breasts in public. As if that wasn't bad enough, he then started to jiggle them in his hands. FML

Today, I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. FML

Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML

Today, I went to the doctor for an infection from where a cat bit me while I was sleeping. Where that cat came from and how it got into my bedroom I will never know. FML

Today, I discovered my cat frequently licks my toothbrush. FML

Today, the fire alarm went off in my dorm. Not only was it 30 degrees outside, but I was in the shower. FML

Curious cat

Today, while I was in the shower, my curious cat jumped in. She decided she really doesn't like showers and to avoid getting wet, used my naked body as a makeshift tree. FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he stopped brushing his teeth two days after we started dating. Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary. FML