Today, after two weeks of trying to convince my parents to go to my high school graduation. They finally gave in. After they handed me my diploma, they decided to leave because it was "too boring." I'm currently sitting on the curb of the street waiting for my Uber, while people take pictures of me. FML
Today, my parents accidentally bounced some checks through a miscommunication. They now owe the bank $700 and can't afford groceries, which means we're relying on me, a 17-year-old girl who works at McDonald's 2 days a week, to get us by for the next few weeks. FML
Today, my wife and I drove to the other side of the country to attend a swingers party where we thought no one knew us. So did my parents. FML
Today, I found out my parents never naturalized me. I'm adopted from a country I've never been to, and now I could be deported there. FML
Today, my parents gave me a letter they'd forgotten about since late last year. In it was a $30,000 scholarship to a local master's program with an application due date of two weeks ago. FML
Today, I got into a major fight with my parents over my younger brother stealing from me. Their response was to get angry at me for my "tone" with them. My brother is 18 with an obvious drug problem, but my tone is the problem. FML
Today, I hooked up with the guy I've been seeing. Apparently he doesn't believe in condoms and took it off without my knowing; I didn't realize until after. When I asked him in horror why he would do such a thing, he said "I love you. I want you to have my child." It had been our second date. FML
Today, I went camping. The night was calm and quiet, so we went to our separate tents to sleep. I closed my eyes, listening to the distant waves and my father playing porn in the tent beside me. FML
Today, I was petting my female hamster when I felt a big mass under her. I immediately thought it was a tumor so I poked it to see if it hurt her. It didn't. Turns out my female hamster is actually a male, and he has really big balls. I touched my hamster's balls. FML
Today, when getting off the bus, the driver said he thought I was going to exit from the front. Without thinking, I responded, "Oh no, I'm more of a backdoor kinda girl!" FML
Today, my boyfriend said he's in love with another woman and is leaving me. This wouldn't be as bad if I weren't seven months pregnant. FML
Today, my apartment was flooded due to a broken pipe, which caused a huge family of cockroaches to disperse. Did you know they can fly? FML
Today, after retyping a 22-page report for work because the orginal had gone missing, i realized I had used a different laptop the first time. I now have 2 copies of the same report, both of which are late. FML
Today, my 3-year-old niece brushed my hair, making sure to be gentle so she wouldn't hurt me. When it was time to brush the front, she made sure to meticulously brush my mustache. I'm a woman. FML
Today, I noticed my cat was about to vomit on the rug and yelled at her to move. She spooked and managed to throw up while running. I still had to clean up the rug. FML
Today, my 6-month-old daughter decided she'd scream every time I'd answer her cries instead of her daddy. He just left for a 12-hour shift at work. Only 11 more hours to go. FML
Today, I no longer have a toaster. My younger sister put it in the bath because apparently it looked dirty. FML
Today, after giving my husband a ton of crap about the speeding ticket he got last year, I got a speeding ticket. FML
Today, after finally getting my drivers license, I was able to drive myself to school for the first time! I got fined $50 for accidentally parking in the wrong lot. FML
Today, my mother-in-law texted to wish me a happy birthday. She spelled my name wrong and it's not my birthday. FML
Today, I helped my children dye Easter eggs. They did great. My husband, however, is covered in dye spots and glitter from "helping." FML
Today, my roommates sat me down and said we need to have a serious chat. I was worried, until they asked me if I could quit my new night job. When I asked why, they said it was because I wasn't home anymore to cook them dinner. FML
Today, my wife and I went kayaking for the first time in the ocean. She got seasick and just before she threw up, leaned over the side and tipped the kayak over. FML
Today, my 3-year-old missed the toilet. In the time it took me to get paper towel to clean it up, my one-year-old decided it was the perfect puddle to play in. FML
Today, at the ripe old age of 27, I dislocated my hip while making love to my husband. FML
Today, at work, a woman screamed at me and called me a bitch because I refused to refund something we give away for free. FML
Today, my cat let a mouse sit on his paws for several minutes, then just sat and watched as it scurried into a crack in the drywall. My cat is only 4. FML
Today, the cashier at the local grocery store in my area said that I don't look a day over 40. I'm 28. FML
Today, I was playing basketball, and while trying to jump and shoot, I farted on the face of the person behind me. FML
Today, my husband refuses to stop answering my phone calls with, "Haaaaail Satan!" FML
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