Toronto, Canada
Today, was just like almost every for the past few months; I slept till 1 p.m., smoked cigarettes, jerked off, went to the store to get coffee, smoked more cigarettes, and sat in my room alone until 4 a.m., jerking off and smoking cigarettes. FML
Today, my girlfriend farted in her sleep, woke me up because it was so damn loud, and my room smelt like rotten noodles for about an hour. FML
Today, my mom slept all day. But when she got out of bed for five minutes, she told me I was a worthless piece of shit. Then she went back to bed. FML
Today, I was walking my son to school. After yelling at him for not looking where he's walking, I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer to me. Not paying attention, I walked him right into a light pole. FML
Today, a 32 year-old man I've been dating for a few months finally took me to his place. To my surprise, this bachelor had a huge and very clean home. Also, to my surprise, I met the REAL homeowner. His grandmother, who came home early. We were having sex on her couch at the time. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML
Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said "Did I say you could take a picture?" He replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?" I turned around, and they were right behind me. FML
Today, I was looking at some comments on a silly YouTube video of me dancing with some friends. Someone posted a comment saying "Girl on the right is hot!!!." Next to that, it had about 31 thumbs down. I'm the girl on the right. FML
Today, I went on my porch for a late night cigarette. When I opened the door and took one step inside, all I remember is a big thud. I woke up 5 minutes later with my father over top of me saying, "Nice right hook, huh?" Then he chuckled. He thought I was a burglar and he knocked me out. FML
Today, I asked my parents if the outfit I was wearing made me look fat. My mom looked at me and paused for a while; my dad said, "Honey, that outfit doesn't make you look fat. Your fat makes you look fat." FML
Today, my mother called me and told me that she went to the hospital. This wasn't a surprise 'cos she normally goes to the hospital for the smallest things. I was a smartass and asked, "What now? You finally have lung cancer from all those cigarettes?" Apparently, she does. FML
Today, for April fools I decided to set off the smoke detectors in my friend's apartment while he was sleeping and saran wrap the outside of his bedroom doorway so he would smack into it. Instead, he jumped out the window and broke his leg. FML
Today, I had to give a massage to an obese person with rank smelling fungus growing in between their skin folds. They tipped me two dollars. My hands still smell. FML
Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bear to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML
Today, a little girl came up to me and said, "Hi, my name is Lindsey, let's be friends!" I thought she was cute, so I played along and said, "OK! My name is Jen!" Her reply was, "Wait, never mind, I don't want to be friends anymore. You smell funny." FML
Today, I was feeling really down, so I texted my boyfriend and asked him to tell me why he loves me, thinking he would cheer me up. His response? "Don't bug me with this stupid shit anymore. You always ask such dumb questions." FML
Today, I noticed I have to lift up my fat to see my penis. FML
Today, In my science class I sit next to my friend Jill. My teacher always gets our names confused calling me Jill and her Liz. She decided to combine our names. I'm now known as Jizz. My teacher clearly has no idea what it means. FML
Today, I went to a new bar downtown with some friends. I was a little buzzed and had to pee so bad. I rushed into the bathroom and as I sat down I felt a squish on my upper thigh. Turns out the last person in the stall decided to take a shit on the toilet seat. FML
Today, I was riding on the back of my dad's motorcycle. After a few minutes, the vibrations from the engine became way too much for me and I couldn't control myself. I had such an intense orgasm, sitting right behind my father, with my arms around his waist. FML
Today, I was in a public restroom when the girl in the stall next to me started asking me how I was doing. Thinking it was weird but not wanting to be rude, I answered her questions. Halfway though our conversation she said: "Hold on, the girl in the stall next to me thinks I'm talking to her." FML
Today, I told to my son that I'm pregnant. After I'd told him, he looked up and yelled, "Fuck this shit!" and walked out of the room. My son is nine years-old. FML
Today, I put on my "fat jeans" because none of my other jeans fit. Neither do my fat jeans. FML
Today, I was working at the library. Some punks thought it would be funny to shit in a book, close it and return it in the drop box. The fact that it was sitting outside in the ninety degree heat for a couple hours did not help the stench; it was everywhere and I had to clean the mess. FML
Today, I got home and threw my phone onto my bed as usual. This time it bounced out the window. FML
Today, I was on my girlfriend's computer. When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. The first thing was "Best positions for a small penis." FML
Today, I was at the mall and someone peeked their head under the door of my dressing room while I was half dressed. Not knowing who it was, I kicked him in the face just out of instinct. Its was a 4 year old kid looking for his mother. FML
Today, I found out that I was adopted, now my gay brother thinks it's acceptable to tell me that he's always wanted to have sex with me. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting in the mood. I got on top of him, leaned down to kiss him, and he began to laugh. Puzzled, I asked him why. He told me that when I'm naked and on top of him, I reminded him of a cow, with "udders." Offended, I went to get off him. "No no!" he protested, "a SEXY cow." FML
Today, I switched from a pediatrician to an adult doctor. The guy was really persistant about a few personal questions. Then he brought my parents in the room and told them that I have an abnormally small penis and what remedies he knows of to fix it. FML
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