30916

Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML

Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML

Double dump

Today, my girlfriend haltingly dumped me over the phone. Faint splashes punctuated her grunting, straining sounds. FML

Hard at work

Today, I woke up screaming after a nightmare about clowns, which wouldn't be too bad if I hadn't been surrounded by coworkers. FML

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to try something new. By something new, it was to put flour in my butt and see what would happen if I farted. FML

The opposite of vibing

Today, I was texting a girl I like. Every message she sent came ten minutes after I sent her a message. When I told her, "I've to go", she responded almost instantly with an, "OK, bye." FML

Today, in an attempt to impress a girl I like, I tried to crush a soda can by hitting it with my forehead. Not only did I fail, I knocked myself out in the process. When I regained consciousness, the girl was gone and someone had taken the liberty of drawing a penis on my face. FML

Today, while practicing my gymnastics routine on the uneven bars, I was so distracted by my teammates' conversation about a party later that I miscalculated my flip and smacked my head on a bar. Ten stitches and a concussion later, I was left alone in the hospital. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded by asking for a blowjob. FML