fishinpink

Today, the guy I was on a date with jokingly challenged me to an arm wrestle. I won. He left. FML

Today, at the healthy age of 26, I broke my hip during sex. FML

Today, while in the airport, I had to use the washroom. Upon exiting, I got confused due to an excess of mirrors and walked directly into one in front of an audience. FML

Today, I get more pleasure out of scratching my balls than I do out of any sexual activity with my girlfriend. FML

Funny to him

Today, I woke up to my husband chuckling. When I asked him what was so funny. He told me that during the night I attempted to shove one of the kids' pacifiers in his mouth. I don't remember this, at all. He thinks it's hysterical. I'm not sure what to think. FML

Oh, the irony

Today, I lost my job to the individual I just finished training. Within 2 hours after being escorted out, my old boss called and yelled at me for doing a lousy job. He was angry that the training was deficient and because the new person is as bad as I was. FML

Today, I sent a love message to my wife asking if she was horny. Minutes later, I realized that I sent it to my mother in law. FML

Oh, hai Mark!

Today, I discovered that despite locking the bathroom door of an airplane, a man is still fully capable of walking in on you changing your tampon. FML

Today, my husband and I had our first prenatal appointment. My doctor told us we shouldn't have sex during the first trimester, "just to be safe". He has no evidence to back this, but now my husband is too scared to touch me. FML

Shunned

Today, I ran into an old couple everyone has been avoiding in my small town. Four weeks ago, they accidentally posted a picture of their pierced junk on Facebook, and I was one of the unlucky people who saw the actual picture. I can't make eye contact with them anymore. FML

Today, I noticed quite a few scars on one of my coworker's legs. I pulled her aside and told her that self-harm was never the answer, and if she needed to talk I was always there. Turns out she's just clumsy and trips a lot. FML

Today, I was talking to a customer, when I choked on my spit. After I could breathe again I was so embarrassed I said the first thing that popped into my head, which was, "I'm sorry, I don't know how to swallow." FML

Today, my new girlfriend canceled my badly needed haircut appointment. She feels that having my female hairstylist wash and cut my hair involves "too much touching" and "counts as cheating." FML

Brief encounter

Today, a guy I have been crushing on since forever finally talked to me. Too bad it happened after an anxiety attack when he carried me from class to the nurse's. The first thing he said to me when I came to was, "You're heavier than you look." FML

Today, I was spending the night at my fiancé's house. He knew my period was about to start, so he asked if he needed to put a tarp down on the bed. He was dead serious. FML

Today, at work I did inventory with my boss. He did the top shelves and I did the bottom ones. By the end, my knees were dirty and sore. I went home and my roommate asked me how my day went. I absent-mindedly said, "My boss had me on my knees all day." He hasn't stopped laughing. FML

Save the planet? Nah

Today, our art teacher told us we will have to build a giant Coca-Cola bottle made of smaller ones as our art project for next week, meant to represent the damage consumerism does to our environment. I think he doesn’t understand we will have to buy tons of Coke to get the bottles needed. FML

Today, my dad is obsessed with making sure that I am not in any way 'bare' in front of the windows of our house. Which is surrounded by tall trees, five metres worth of tall trees. I'm not sure whether to be creeped out that someone might see me or that my dad is unhealthily obsessed about this. FML

Today, my husband and I had sex for the first time in months. Afterwards, when he thought I was asleep, I caught him jacking off to porn. His defense: "Why should you be the only one to get off multiple times?" I got off once, from the toy he used, pre-sex. He then got mad at me for catching him. FML

Today, I found out the guys I live with have an ongoing contest to see if they can hit targets on the inside of the toilet lid with urine when they pee. I could forgive this in my seven-year-old son, but not my forty-year-old husband. FML