En couple
Today, I was eating at a nice restaurant. Feeling curious, I daringly asked for the surprise "Maiden's Dream" dessert. The waiter came back with a banana between two balls of ice-cream on a plate, and no spoon. FML
Today, my mother and I got into a huge fight about me being a lesbian. It ended with me saying "Fuck you!" to which she responded: "I bet you'd probably like to." FML
Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim, and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier, I realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go, "Don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML
Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she asked me, "Does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, "Does he spank you with it too if you've been naughty?" FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML
Today, I called the number a guy had given me at a bar last night. I got the Soulja Boy Hotline. Now every few hours I get messages on my phone like 'Good morning! Jump on up and get yo swag on, this is Soulja Boy!' and I can't seem to get it to stop. FML
Today, I woke up hungover and thirsty, I found a glass of water next to the sink, filled it up with more water, chugged it and went back to bed. I woke up an hour later to my best friend telling me she thought she lost her contacts. They were in a glass next to the sink. I ate her contacts. FML
Today, I was about to go and take a shower when I saw a pair of scissors taped to the door at eye level with a note from my boyfriend saying "Time to trim that hairy thang down under." FML
Today, my mom turned to me and said, "You know, you're the kind of person that has to change literally everything about themselves to get a guy to like you." I thought she was joking so I laughed. She then said, "Like that. Your laugh... What is that? Change that." FML
Today, I went to a neon-themed party. Standing by the UV light, I looked down and realised my pad was glowing through my tights. FML
Today, I had my first date with this guy I really like, who came to pick me up. Once I got into his car, my uncle comes out of the house and yells "Remember, pregnant girls aren't allowed to drink." FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he suddenly stopped and walked to the kitchen. He decided to bake chocolate chip cookies in the midst of our intimate moment. However, he told me we could still keep at it while the oven preheated. FML
Today, my whole family was sitting in the kitchen. My sister was stoned and passed out in our dog's bed. My dad was drunk, yelling "who's your daddy" at his plate of barbecue, and my mom just sat there with that, "what the hell happened to my life" look on her face. FML
Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit up with new texts. My friend sent out "Wanna test out my new bed?" as a mass text while I was asleep to every boy in my phone. Mark will be here in an hour, Jon wants to know what I'm wearing, and my ex's new girlfriend is not amused. FML
Today, I noticed that in my cover letter I wrote, "I also have an eye.", instead of, "I also have an eye for detail", and I have been sending it out for the past few weeks. No wonder I haven't gotten any replies. FML
Today, I agreed to buy my girlfriend a piggle for Christmas. The pig is miniature. The noise it makes is not. Oh, and I just found out it's not living with her, but with me. FML
Today, I was at lunch with my mom and we were talking about how to tell my brother that Santa Claus isn't real. After we finished our conversation, I heard someone crying. Little did I know, two little kids and their parents were sitting in the booth behind me. FML
Today, I fell asleep with my hands down my pants. I woke up to an excruciating pain coming from my genitalea. It turns out that I was having nightmares and I squeezed my balls because I was so terrified. I popped 3 blood vessels in my scrotum and now walk with a limp. FML
Today, I waited anxiously until midnight to open my Christmas presents. As the clock struck midnight, I ran out into the living room, super-excited to open them, only to discover that everyone in our house had already opened theirs, and had all gone to bed. FML
Today, my mother informed me that I am not allowed to drive in snow. I live in Minnesota. FML
Today, I came home from a year long backpacking trip in Europe. During my absence my parents divorced, dad took the house and most of the money, sister is seven months pregnant, brother was arrested for statutory rape, and my mom pawned all my stuff to buy booze to "cope." Oh, and my fish died. FML
Today, my boyfriend humped me to the tune of the Imperial March from Star Wars. FML
Today, I was talking this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML
Today, while in bed with my game-obsessed girlfriend, she told me I was a "noob" in bed. FML
Today, I waked in on my boyfriend and his best friend playing "Dick Wars" while wearing glow in the dark condoms. FML
Today, I was with my girlfriend, thinking we were alone in the house. Her little brother found us having sex on the couch, took a pic and said, "You are now both my slaves." He ran upstairs and locked his bedroom door. FML
Today, my boyfriend wouldn't lick the whipped cream I had on my nipples because "That stuff is full of calories." FML
Today, my very handsome, fit, Russian boyfriend tried to make me feel better about being a little overweight by telling me, "It's okay, you're American, everyone expects you to be fat." FML
Today, I found out that if you leave a can of soda in parked car during a heatwave, it will explode all over everything. My car is like a human glue trap. FML
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