PanicWithSirens

Today, we got our progress reports. My physics teacher wrote that I don't participate in class. My mom got mad and grounded me before I could tell her that I raise my hand in class all the time but my teacher won't call on me cause he can't pronounce my name. FML

User error

Today, I received my camera in the mail. I had sent it back to the company because it wouldn't turn on. As I was reading the note they put in, it said, "Battery was put in backwards. No other problems found." FML

Today, my girlfriend accused me of not having any friends. So I sent out a mass text saying "Hey, what's up?" to prove her wrong. I didn't get any replies. FML

Today, I went to the grocery store, and I realized that all I bought was cat food and $30 worth of protein bars. Yes, I have become THAT single woman. FML

Today, I told my girlfriend I love her for the first time. She said, "Thanks." FML

Confused

Today, I locked myself out of the house I was house-sitting. An hour later, and my fifth attempt at climbing the fence, I figured I'd try the door one more time. Turns out I was turning the handle the wrong way and the door wasn't locked in the first place. FML

Pranks are dangerous

Today, to scare my little brother I dressed up as the killer from the Scream movies. The outfit was a little too long on me, and I ended up falling down the stairs. Not only was he doubled over laughing, but so were the people in the emergency room. FML

Today, I went to a veterans' reunion party with my grandpa. While there, a guy started yelling at me for having an unapproved haircut. It was my grandpa's old drill sergeant, and he thought I was in the army too. Everyone just smirked as he forced me to drop and do push-ups. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over the phone, after having left me to look after her dog while she went on a 2-week vacation with her family. Now I have to choose between paying for a kennel for her damn dog or taking care of it every day until she gets back. FML

Today, I agreed to go on a date with this really nice guy. Halfway through the date, he started talking about his wife and kids. FML

Today, on my college visit, I met a perfect girl for me, sweet, gorgeous, on the same career path. I remember everything we talked about, where she is from, what sport she plays, and her recent internship. But when I went to look her up online, I couldn't remember one thing, her name. FML

Siouxsie

Today, my friends and I were goofing off playing tag behind the local church, when I heard a banshee-like wail behind me. Assuming it was one of my friends, I wailed right back and ran. Turned out there was actually a funeral going on, and the wail was from one of the bereaved. FML

Today, my English professor bragged to my entire class about how good my essay was. He kept on saying great things about it for the duration of class. To my surprise, he'd given me a C-. When I asked why, his only response was: "I'm a hard grader." FML

Thanks Raymond

Today, my cat brought home a bloody, barely-living mouse. The thing managed to escape and dragged itself into a crack in the wall, where it must have died. The only way to get it out before it starts to stink up the place is by demolishing the wall. FML

It's true, though

Today, at the supermarket, I picked up a pack of toilet rolls, at which point my 5-year-old daughter turned to me and screamed, "A CLEAN BUTTHOLE IS A HAPPY BUTTHOLE!" in front of a dozen other people. I have no idea where she heard that. FML

Today, a friend asked me to help him get rid of a girl who would't stop texting him. It worked perfectly. Now she's texting me nonstop. FML

Today, my girlfriend dumped me by text for another man while I was at work. While I worked the drive-thru, a customer noticed me choking back my tears and said "I'd be cryin' too if I worked your dead-end job." FML

Today, I asked a girl to prom by having 5 friends hold up signs saying "P-R-O-M-?" while I snuck up behind her. She said yes... to my friend holding the "?", who she thought was the one asking her. FML

Today, I was trying to fix a stapler, but it turns out it wasn't broken at all. It wouldn't staple a small stack of papers but had no trouble stapling through my finger. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to clean our apartment, and then we went out to grab a bite to eat. When we returned, I found a baby's sock in the middle of the floor. Neither of us have a baby, and nobody we know does either. Now I'm just waiting for the doll-themed nightmares tonight. FML

Today, I waited 7 hours for my mom to come home and give me my computer back. 15 minutes after she got home, I remembered that I had hidden my computer myself so she wouldn't take it. FML

Good question

Today, I overheard my mom talking to a friend on the phone. What caught my attention was when she said, "You ever look at your kid and just think... 'Fuck. Where'd I go wrong?'" FML

Today, my friend asked me for advice on how to break up with her boyfriend. I've never done it before so I googled it, my own boyfriend happened to walk in and now isn't speaking to me. He won't believe me when I say it was "for a friend." FML

Today, when I tried to break up with my girlfriend of 2 years, she had no idea we were even dating. She thought of all the movies, dinners, and "sleepovers" I had with her was because we were such great friends. FML