Mademoiselle Bon Tom, Fairyland 32 ans En couple
Today, I won $5000 dollars from a lottery ticket and tried giving the man next to me a high five. He had no hands. FML
Today, I was talking to this girl who I thought was really nice. We were having an amazing conversation, and as we stared deeply in one another's eyes, she asked me, "Has anyone ever seen you take a shit?" She then began telling me the story of when someone watched her. FML
Today, thanks to my phone's shitty predictive text combined with me being half-asleep, I accidentally offered my heartbroken buddy "oral support" if he ever needs it. FML
Today, my wife's cat ran away. After spending a lot of money making "Lost Cat" flyers and driving around for hours passing them out and searching for her cat, he walked downstairs. FML
Today, I saw the script for the end of year assembly skit I'm forced to participate in. Looks like on my last day of high school, I'll be running around in a rainbow unicorn costume in front of my entire high school and their parents. FML
Today, I went to a concert with my girlfriend. Turns out that bouncers don't think it's a problem for girls to go up on stage and make out with the musicians. FML
Today, I found out that if I'm not home and my roommates have girls over, my room is the designated "fart room." FML
Today, my friend announced that she'd lost weight recently. As I was congratulating her, my baby sister said, "I think you're still fat but that's good because you can give more meat to God when you go to heaven." Now I have to explain to a 6-year-old that God isn't a cannibal. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that I love her. She panicked and blurted out our S&M safeword. FML
Today, my parents were screaming so loud about who clogged the toilet that a neighbor called the police because they thought someone was in danger. FML
Today, my parents thought it would be a great surprise to accidentally shoot me in the leg for my birthday. FML
Today, my mom insisted on making my lunch. She didn't know that knives are banned at my high school, and packed me a steak knife for cream cheese. I'm now suspended for 7 days, and she refuses to say that she did anything wrong. FML
Today, at work I had to explain to a client that male dogs can wear red collars and it doesn't make them "gay". The client then got angry and stormed out of the store, causing me to get written up. FML
Today, at school, I got seated in front of the resident creepy kid that everyone stays away from. I was pretty relieved to get through most of the class with no incidents, until the bell rang and he tore out a chunk of my hair, yelling, "DNA! DNA!" FML
Today, I came down with diarrhea thanks to a particularly low-class restaurant. My dad has been making constant stupid puns like "pretty shitty state you're in" and "this day and age, you just don't expect this crap". I'm at the point where I want to gouge his eyes out with a goddamn spoon. FML
Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML
Today, I was at a bar, when a heavily drunk guy came up to me and slurred "Fuucckkk lady, your face... not even with beer goggles!" FML
Today, I discovered that my dad still doesn't consider my career as an app developer a "real job". FML
Today, I deliberately didn't tell my therapist half of what I was going through because I didn't want to depress her. FML
Today, my allergies are so bad that it's affected the way my voice sounds. It's so bad my mom has taken to calling me Aflac because I sound like the duck in the commercials. FML
Today, I saw the hottest nurse ever. Too bad he was pulling out a piece of wax the size of a raisin from my blocked ear. FML
Today, I learned that my daughter was looking for love in all the wrong places, specifically the county jail. FML
Today, I got called "un-American" when I said I didn't care about Kim and Kayne's wedding. FML
Today, I climbed into bed with my sleeping boyfriend after a long shift at work. He immediately rolled over, clamped my leg between his knees, and started viciously humping it. This is the fourth time now, and he still doesn't believe that he even does it. FML
Today, I was at a buffet with my kids and husband. As my boys got up to get more food, I told them they'd better come back with something green on their plate. They both came back with mint ice cream and got a high-five from my husband. FML
Today, I burned my left breast with hot oil at work. Everyone's now calling me "toaster strudel" and singing "This girl is on fire" every time we cross paths. FML
Today, after waiting two hours for my landlord to leave so I could take a shit in peace, I sat down on the toilet. The doorbell immediately rang. It was my landlord, who wanted to let me know that he had just backed into my car. FML
Today, I took my driving test. It was all going well until out of habit from driving with my boyfriend, I reached over and held my instructor's hand. FML
Today, my mother told me that I was "made" in the bathroom of the store I work at now. She even pointed out which stall. FML
Today, I saw a pair of eyes looking at me from my closet. Realizing it must be my cat, I called her. She immediately came out from under my bed. I can't find anything in my closet. FML
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