this_ghetto

Today, my boss commented on the fact that I don't usually wear makeup, then told me it would be much appreciated if I'd change that. FML

Today, my boss sent me a text message saying, "You're fired. Merry Christmas!" FML

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first handjob. I was nervous, so when she went to do it, I panicked and yelled, "Firmly grasp it!" She then couldn't stop laughing because it was a line from SpongeBob. FML

Today, I walked in on my husband jacking off to a photo of himself. FML

Today, my roommate let out a blood-curdling scream in the bathroom. I ran in to see what was going on, only to find her sitting on the toilet, topless. Turned out she'd tried to pierce her own tit using a clothespin and a needle. FML