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Bad timing

Today, I called my husband and he told me that he was going to invite his friend Jeff over that night. I told him I would prefer that he didn't come over. He took it to mean that I wanted to spend time with him and came home with flowers. Then had to tell him I was leaving him. FML

Make believe

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting pretty hot and heavy, then he said, "Let's pretend you're someone else." FML

Today, my daughter used the kids potty chair on her own for the first time. Bad: The bucket was not in it so poo hit the floor. Good: she tried to clean it... Bad: with her socks. Good: she decided to clean the socks. Bad: she used the wall. Good: she finally called dad. FML

Today, I was at work and was trying to cheer up my stressed out manager by chatting. We were on the subject of sleeping in when I told her that I loved to be lazy and sleep in when I could. She looked up and down me and then answered, "I can see that." FML

Today, I was vigorously putting primer on my canvas for a beginning painting class. I accidentally sprayed specks of primer on the very dark painting to the right of mine. The painter is in an advanced class. She's been working on this one all semester. There's no one to her right. FML

Today, I discovered my step mom had thrown out my baby blanket because it was an "eyesore". It was an heirloom from my birth mother and the only thing I have left from her. FML

Today, I just had a phone interview with a college. The lady asked me to spell out my password to a site so she can access my test scores. The password was "dick." FML

Today, I found out that my mom screams like a dying monkey while having sex. Even with my music turned up all the way, I can still hear her through our paper thin walls. FML

Today, my mother told me she wanted me to get an exorcism. Yes, she was serious. I'm Jewish. FML

Today, like every other day, my boss referred to my breasts as pillows he needs to nap on. FML

Today, I'm having heart surgery. The doc came in, donut in one hand and papers in another. While I was filling them out, his hands kept trembling, and he dropped the donut on the floor. He fumbled to pick it up and kept eating. The guy I'm entrusting my life to doesn't even respect the five-second rule. FML

Today, my thirteen-year-old daughter tried to scratch the freckles off of her face. We ended up going to the hospital. FML

Today, I asked a girl out. She replied, "Sorry, I'm suddenly a lesbian." FML

Today, I was walking home when I saw an elderly woman struggling with a large bag of garbage. I asked if I could help. I got it all the way to the dumpster and the bag ripped. Inside were about fourteen dead cats. FML

Today, after a long, horrible day at work and some fighting with my family and my girlfriend, I decided to cheer myself up by going to McDonald's for a change. I burst into tears when the cashier told me they couldn't make me a Mars McFlurry because they'd run out of ingredients. FML

Goddamn commies

Today, I was told by my grandfather that I was no longer allowed to visit him or to set foot in his house. Why? He found out I have been taking Japanese and German as electives in my degree, so I must be an 'enemy spy'. FML

Today, my elderly neighbour was having some kind of house party. It was incredibly loud, so I went and asked if he could tone it down a little. He responded by grabbing a deck chair, smacking me with it, then chasing me back to my house, all while his guests cheered him on. FML

Detective work

Today, I followed my wife out, since she's been acting strangely lately and I was suspicious. She met up with a guy at a restaurant, who she later claimed was her brother. Either she's cheating on me, or it's tradition in her family to make out and grope each other at the end of meals. FML

Today, at work a customer bitched me out for not explicitly telling her that our peanut butter pancakes contain real peanut butter. She's threatening to sue because she's allergic to peanuts. FML

Today, I decided I wanted to bleach my hair, so I asked my mother for help. Apparently, something went wrong, because clumps of my hair started falling out. Now I'm half blonde and half bald, and my mom is just laughing at me. FML

Today, one of my ears randomly went deaf. I went to the doctor, thinking I had an ear infection or something. Turns out that your ears can go deaf entirely without reason, and I now have medication to take to see if I can get any of my hearing back in that ear. I'm only 26. FML

Today, I texted my friend asking if he'd like to join my "porno group". I meant promo. I quickly texted back correcting the mistake, but not before I received the nudes he sent. FML

Today, I got a call from my panicking grandmother. I asked her what was going on, and she explained that, “Godzilla doesn’t work.” Not really understanding, I asked her to clarify. “Yes, you know, Godzilla, to use the internet.” FML

Bovine

Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML

Today, my sister and I heard a buzzing noise in our parents' bedroom, so we went to investigate. It was coming from a drawer, so we opened it. Inside, a battery-operated dildo was flapping around. FML

Dressed for success

Today, I stuffed my buttcrack with toilet paper right before my job interview because I tend to sweat there a lot and I was wearing a white skirt. I went to the bathroom afterward to take it out but it wasn't there anymore. It could have only gone up two places. FML

Today, I decided to come out to a co-worker. She looked at me, then laughed, and said, "You can't be gay, you're fat!" FML

Today, my group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were playing "Never have I ever." My girlfriend's turn came up and she went with, "Never have I ever had an orgasm." FML

Today, I put my picture into a celebrity look alike website. The three matches that came up were Barbra Streisand, Hillary Clinton, and Boy George. I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML

Today, my town had a carnival to raise money for cancer. I ran a kissing booth, when a really cute guy came up paid his $20, looked at me, and said "not even for cancer." He took his money and left. FML