1gullible_bugger

This explains that

Today, I was assaulted by a crazy drunk woman. Why? Six years ago, her kids were put into foster care because she was unfit. Somehow, this was my fault. FML

Today, not only did my flight n Halifax leave an hour late for a unknown reason, but I had to spend 5.5 hours with an old man's elbow nudging me in the side. No amount of nudging back made him move. Just when I was looking forward to being home soon, I find out that I was bumped off my connection.

Today, my boyfriend started tickling me relentlessly. I am extremely ticklish and accidentally kicked him in the shin whilst squirming. He’s now trying to get me arrested for assault. FML

Today, it has been 57 hours since I have last had food. The fridge is empty. The freezer is empty. The pantry is empty. Even my bank account is empty because my pay has been delayed. Again. FML

Last night I had to share a twin bed with my younger couisn. In the middle of the night I felt the bed move at a pace thinking it was no big deal. In the morning I come to find out that he was beating off because there was a cum stain on my shorts...smh

Today I found out I failed a drug test. I've never taken a drug in my life. if my retest fails to my job is on the line.

Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch. FML

Today, my husband felt dishonoured: his darling little girl, the love of his life, whom he's always considered pure, turns out to be pregnant. He's now warned her: she's grounded and that whoever did this to her had better not come hanging round the house. Pussy, two years old, is now housebound until her kittens are born. FML

Today, my school put on a musical. I was one of the leads, and in the middle of my solo, I got a huge nosebleed. A little girl in the front row screamed. FML

Grow up

Today, a student's mother sent me an e-mail complaining that I was requiring her child to read a book containing mild profanity. She then demanded me to let him read an easier book. This would've been somewhat acceptable if the student wasn't in the 12th grade. FML

Today, during an exam, the guy next to me tried to cheat by looking at my test but was caught by the proctor. His defense was that no one would ever cheat off me. The proctor agreed and allowed him to finish the test. FML

Today, I stood up in front of the class and dropped my pen. As I bent over to pick it up, a boy in the front row loudly broke wind. I will forever be known as "that teacher who farted". FML