Today, I showed my boyfriend a picture of me in what I thought was a sexy skintight dress. He responded by saying "it's ok, I went through a pudgy stage too". The picture was from Saturday night. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my cock over my jeans and said, "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML
Today, while lying in bed with my girlfriend, she was grabbing the fat on my stomach. I said to her, "Quit touching my fat!" She replied, "So… don't touch you at all?" FML
Today, my friend told the cute waiter it was my birthday. He brought out a dessert with a candle and put a huge sombrero on my head. Everyone at the restaurant started singing me happy birthday. I got embarrassed and put my head down. My sombrero caught on fire. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were making out, and about to have sex, when she asked me to "do that thing we did yesterday". We haven't had sex in 6 days. FML
Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday and I saw he was logged in on ooVoo. He sent me a request to video chat so I decided to take off all of my clothes to surprise him. Little did I know, his entire family was at his house and at the computer because he, "wanted to show them what a great girlfriend I am." FML
Today, I let my boyfriend finger me for the first time. Today, I also learned, after fifteen very, very long minutes of it, how to fake an orgasm. FML
Today, I was messing around with my boyfriend, trying to get him to tell me he loved me more than KISS, his favorite band. He couldn't do it. FML
Today, I went to see a movie with my best friend, and there were three girls loudly discussing blowjob techniques. I texted my boyfriend about how gross the conversation was. His reply was, "Pay attention. You might learn something." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex when he stopped responding. Five minutes later and ready to hang up, he apologized because he got distracted with his game of Tetris. FML
Today, I was in bed with my boyfriend, in the middle of foreplay, and somehow out of my mouth came, "I want to be inside you." I'm a woman. FML
Today, I lost my phone. I tried to call it using my husband's phone, but couldn't figure out which of the three Kates in the contact list was me. Turns out, two are co-workers and one is his aunt. I was listed under Satan. FML
Today, my schlong decided to enter Mortal Kombat with my pants zipper. Guess which of the two won a flawless victory? FML
Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML
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