MissKylie

Today, I was feeling really upset and called my boyfriend. He said "Can you feel upset a little later? I'm watching a movie." FML

Don't do this at work

Today, I jokingly went over to a an attractive female co-worker and said, "You look like you need a hug". She told me she wasn't feeling well and didn't want to be touched. No more than 30 seconds after our encounter, she ran to give one of our more attractive male co-workers a hug. FML

Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the page and wrote "OMG." FML

Denied

Today, I was talking to a swimmer I just met. I saw a cute guy and whispered to her, "That guy is hot." She asked "Who?" I pointed at him. She turned to see him, then turned back to me and said "Ew, that's my brother." She went to him, whispered something. He turned around to see me and said, "EW." FML

Inappropriate

Today, while walking through the halls of my high school, my boyfriend and I shared a quick kiss. A young teacher walked by and told us to stop due to Personal Display of Affection rules at our school. She then looked at my boyfriend and told him he could do so much better. FML

Today, I was sitting next to this really cute guy in choir class. Trying to make conversation, I asked him what his favorite song was. He replied "Leave Me Alone". I asked him who it was by and he said, "It's not a song, I just want you to leave me alone". FML

Today, I saw my super creepy live-in uncle standing in the kitchen holding a pair of my underwear and smiling at it, humming to himself. He didn't see me. I stood there for at least 30 seconds in shock, and when I backed away he was still looking at them. FML

Today, I started the day at my local Starbucks. I was greeted with smiles from everyone I made eye contact with and left the store feeling really good about myself. I got home and checked myself out in the mirror, only to realize I had cut myself shaving and my neck was covered in dried blood. FML

Today, like many other days, I fell asleep in math class. Unlike other days, however, I woke up with a start while ripping a really loud fart in my sleep. The whole class heard it because it was during a lecture. Even the teacher was laughing at me and I had to walk, no, run out of the room. FML

Neighborhood watch

Today, I was visited by Child Protective Services. It seems someone on my street reported me for neglect because I cloth diaper my children. I moved in less than 6 months ago, so I guess this is how they say, "Welcome to the neighborhood!" about these parts. FML

Don't just stand there!

Today, I slipped on my icy front porch, fell back, and hit my head on the step. I tried to get up, but lost my balance and fell halfway into the bush next to the steps. I then looked up to see my very hot, British, ex-Special Forces next door neighbor laughing so hard he dropped his snow shovel. FML

My boy!

Today, I took my cat to the vet. He said he felt a strange lump that could be serious. I got really upset and picked her up, crying. The vet then told me I had to put her down. Absolutely devastated by having to euthanize my cat, I passed out. He meant I had to put her back on the table. FML

Today, I spent the night with my boyfriend as he promised me that his parents and younger brother, who I have yet to meet, were out of town until Tuesday. We were awoken by his mother screaming, telling me that she doesn't want girls in the house corrupting her baby boy. He's 20. FML

Uh oh…

Today, I put an anonymous note under my neighbour's door asking them to not have sex so loudly during the day. Since then, I haven't heard any sex. Unfortunately, I have heard a woman crying loudly because she just found out about her husband's affair. FML

Today, after I got off work, as I walked into the house, I noticed something running across the floor towards me and out of complete terror I kicked it halfway across my living room, not knowing what it was. Turns out it was my roommate's new puppy. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me with a voice card. It said "Marry me Amber?" I'm not Amber. That's his ex. FML

Today, and even at this very moment, my ex, who I'm still in love with, is having sex with her new boyfriend. He's my neighbor and she's making a lot more noise with him than she did with me. FML

Life hacks

Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house and sat around while he played video games. He turned to me and could see I was annoyed. Then he told his friends on XBox Live that he needed a 10 minute break to have sex with me. FML

Honey…

Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me, until I heard, "Honey, what did you make for dinner?" FML