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I'm an Empath

Today, I’m stuck in a situation. It’s my mom's wedding, but her fiancé had a heart attack and died this morning. Now I’m surrounded by crying people, having to pretend to be upset so no one gets mad at me. I couldn’t care less to be honest, the man was an arsehole who treated mom and me like shit in private. FML

The master of the house

Today, I had to use the bathroom when I woke up this morning. My cat was sitting in front of the toilet and absolutely refused to move. I seriously tried every humane way of getting her to move, but she didn't budge. I had to sit really awkwardly on the toilet to do my business. When I stood up, she moved. FML

Coach Class

Today, I was on the phone with my diet coach. I was telling her how I lost 3 pounds this week. I was saying this while eating a bag of chips, a beer in my hand and cooking a 3-meat pizza. FML

Today, I ran into an old friend, and she asked me how I was doing. I replied, "Still alive!" like I always do. I forgot both of her parents recently passed away. FML

Lonely boi

Today, the most exciting notification I received was Amazon telling me that my bulk order of toilet paper had been shipped. FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, a friend texted me to get a ticket and go to a theme park with her tomorrow. I bought a ticket and didn't hear from her until 5 hours later to say she was sorry, but she doesn't think she'll be going. It was $65 and non refundable. FML

Today, I realized that the only time my girlfriend ever calls me is when she's drunk. FML

Running late

Today, we were running late for school so my mum shouted at me to hurry up and get in the car. I put my school bags in the boot of the car and my mum drove off. It wasn't until she got to my school and told me to get out that she realised I wasn't there. FML

Hummmmm

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML