Today, I overheard my dad's friend complaining to my dad that his new baby boy is a ginger. I continued listening, and heard my dad saying, "Yeah, there's nothing worse than having a ginger." I'm his daughter. I'm a ginger. FML
Today, I was performing in the musical 'Cabaret'. I was playing a Nazi soldier, swastika armband and all. Someone thought it would be funny to take my real clothes while I was on stage. I had to walk a mile back my house with my costume on. Someone threw eggs at me. FML
Today, my boss screamed at me for almost an hour because, apparently, I hurt my coworker's feelings when I stopped speaking to her after finding out that she was sleeping with my boyfriend. FML
Today, my dad decided that my diploma makes a good pen-tester. FML
Today, I was going to my first job interview since I was laid off. About 10 yards from the door, I felt a sharp pain in my side and something in my pocket. It turned out to be a knife in my side, and a mugger robbing me because I looked rich. I haven't had any money in months, and missed the interview. FML
Today, my boyfriend started his first day of work. After saying our goodbyes, I went into our bedroom to get changed, picked up one of my blouses and found a camera, still recording. I guess someone has major trust issues. FML
Today, after receiving the third call this week from teachers about my son falling asleep in class, I decided that it would be a good idea to hide his Xbox controllers. He decided it would be a good idea to hide my diabetes medication. FML
Today, my mother went shopping. She bought three boxes of Popsicles and a giant stuffed dog. She did not buy dinner or toilet paper. I've eaten nothing but cereal and popcorn for three days now. FML
Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML
Today, I went to a new dentist because I've been experiencing occasional toothache. Upon seeing my x-rays, he noticed something odd. Apparently, during a root canal a while ago, a piece of an instrument broke off, and has been lodged within ever since. FML
Today, I moved into my new house. The previous occupants failed to tell me that they'd recently kicked out their crazy crackhead son, who seems to think they've paid me to pretend that they've moved out and that I'm the new owner. He wants back in. FML
Today, my boss showed me a two-page letter from a customer, complaining about me because I couldn't honor a coupon that expired in 2009. He agreed that I did the right thing by refusing it, but said it would be a black mark on my record anyway due to the complaint. FML
Today, at work a customer bitched me out for not explicitly telling her that our peanut butter pancakes contain real peanut butter. She's threatening to sue because she's allergic to peanuts. FML
Today, my idiot boss placed an expensive order for anti-bullying banners that read: "Take a stand against bullying!" This would be fine if I didn't work in a specialized school for children in wheelchairs. FML
Today, I, along with two cops and another paramedic, had to fight to pin down some total scumsucker. He was high out of his mind on god knows what, in his underwear, screaming like a maniac outside someone else's house at 2 in the morning. I don't get paid nearly enough for this shit. FML
Today, an hour into a family road trip, my mother informed me that she didn't put my suitcase in the car because it "didn't fit". FML
Today, I had to take a drugs test at work. Later, I found out it was my fiancé's mother who called our hotline. Her reason: I work till 6 pm, her "baby" should eat before that, but he can't cook, so I should quit my job. He is 35. And he thinks I should apologize for upsetting her at dinner. FML
Today, my boss at my new job described a client as "retarded". I corrected him with "mentally disabled". He smirked and replied "Whatever. Just explain things to her real slow. After all, she's 'mentally disabled'. And a woman." I need this job so bad that I'll have to just put up with this asshole. FML
Today, I witnessed my dad wake himself from a nap with his own fart and start panicking in confusion. I guess I shouldn't have broken down laughing, because he demanded to know what I did to him. He didn't believe the truth and bitched me out for screwing around. FML
Today, in the second week of August, hell has come to earth; my mom has been playing Christmas music all afternoon and is already searching online for decorations. I hope she buys a length of rope to go with them, because I've already given up on life. FML
Today, I woke up panting and drenched in sweat from a horrible nightmare. I'd been dreaming that bright, colored shapes were falling from the sky and I couldn't make them all neatly align with one another on the ground. I guess I should stop playing so much Tetris before bed. FML
Today, I realised that my closeted gay friend has dated more women this year than I have in my 28 years of life. FML
Today, I found out my babysitter has been selling the breastmilk I produce for my baby and replacing it with formula, while still taking my money every week. FML
Today, at my job working retail, I had just finished cleaning and straightening a whole aisle. This kid watched me do the whole thing. When I was done, he stuck his arm out, and ran it down the whole shelf, knocking everything off it. His mother just grabbed his hand and walked away. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I was scared to open up to him because I had lost people in the past by doing so. After an hour of him trying to convince me to share my thoughts with him, I finally agreed to tell him some things that were worrying me. He broke up with me a minute later. FML
Today, my lazy bastard of a co-worker punched me straight in the jaw because he didn't get the promotion I did. Being his new manager, I fired him. A few hours later, I was fired for "abusing" my power. FML
Today, I got all excited because I thought my crush was flirting with me, when in actuality she was taking advantage of me liking her so she and her friends could make fun of my speech impediment. FML
Today, my mom got angry that I wasn't responding to her texts. I couldn't because I was in the dentist's chair. She'd dropped me off, and after returning from errands, sent the text from the waiting room. FML
Today, my car went missing. My sister constantly asks to borrow it, so I called her and asked if she had it. She swore blind that she didn't, so I called the cops and reported it stolen. They soon caught her driving the stolen vehicle. She blames me and is now telling everyone I set her up to be arrested. FML
Today, I found out the girl I met online, who I spent hours talking to every day for the past 2 months, and who I fell in love with is actually my gay roomate. He says if I could fall in love with "her", I can fall in love with him. It doesn't work that way, dickhead. FML
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