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Odd rejection

Today, I found a note on my door that said, "You're the sexiest person I've ever stalked." Later, I found another note that said, "Sorry, that was meant for your roommate. You aren't my type." Not even a creepy stalker thinks I'm attractive. FML

Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked past a few guys who shouted out to me "You're the most beautiful girl we've seen all day". My boyfriend's response was "It's still early." FML

Wanna come?

Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit up with new texts. My friend sent out "Wanna test out my new bed?" as a mass text while I was asleep to every boy in my phone. Mark will be here in an hour, Jon wants to know what I'm wearing, and my ex's new girlfriend is not amused. FML

Today, I sneezed in the shower. When I got out, I got a text from my creepy old neighbor saying "Bless you". FML

No rizz

Today, I went to see a famous rapper perform. My girlfriend got us up to the front to get pictures with him. He went to give me a high-five, I thought it was a fist-bump, so I made a fist. So he made a fist while I made a palm to match his retracted high-five. Then I panicked, cupped his fist, and ran. FML

Today, my cat died while walking around the kitchen. He had a heart attack when the toaster popped out two slices of bread. FML

Today, I got motion sickness while having sex. FML

Today, I couldn't contain my laughter when a patient told me she'd named her unborn daughter Twinkie. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she's pregnant. Good news: I'm probably not the father. FML

Today, I had a hard time taking a dump. Before flushing, I noticed two pennies and a dime incrusted in my turd. It seems that yesterday, while drunk, I swallowed some change. FML

Nomnom

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML

Today, I played a game of Monopoly with my friends. Since I'm of Greek origin, they thought it would be funny to make me start with a €100,000 debt. FML

Today, I was spinning some yarn around to make my new cat run in circles. After about 10 seconds, he stopped going in circles and went straight ahead, happily running several feet into the wall and knocking himself out. My bowel movements have more brain-power than this thing. FML

Today, my older brother managed to convince my younger sister that she's actually a boy, and that she'll soon be getting a penis in the mail, which she excitedly told everyone she could. He convinced me of the exact same thing as well several years ago. FML

Today, I had to take a splinter out of my eight year old son's penis. FML

Today, while my teacher was demonstrating how to use the ultrasound equipment, we all figured out that I'm pregnant. FML

Nice try

Today, this girl I've been talking to texted me, saying she was going to visit. Trying to be sweet, I bought her $50 worth of chocolate and a cute card. Turns out she meant to send that text to her ex. Seems like the only thing I'll get from this relationship is diabetes. FML

I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay

Today, my dad told me someday I'll find a man who wants a nice lumberjack for a wife. FML

RUDE!

Today, I went to McDonald's for lunch and ordered a salad. The man behind the counter looked at me and said, "Well, at least you're trying." FML

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend of one year, "Why is someone as smart, funny and as handsome as you with someone like me?" He replied, "Opposites attract." FML

Today, I overheard my parents discussing whether or not they could trust me being alone in the house for 2 days. They then came to the decision that I'm too unpopular and unattractive to ever throw a wild party or get laid. FML

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I looked skinny in my shorts. She jiggled my leg fat, looked up at me and walked away. FML

Today, my boss made me some tortellini for lunch. As I was happily eating it, he started to give me a massage, while talking to his friends in Greek. He told me that he said "She's my #1 cashier." Turns out, what he really said was "See, if you feed them well, they let you touch them." FML

Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML

Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML

Today, I received my best compliment of the year so far when an ER doctor commented positively on the clarity of my urine sample. FML

Today, a woman attempted to pickpocket me while trying to educate me about God. FML