symfora

Today, while cleaning my ears with Q-tips, I came in my pants. FML

Nice try…

Today, I tried to blackmail my douchebag boss for a raise, since I had ample proof that he's screwing a co-worker. Turns out he and his wife are in an open relationship, and HR doesn't give a damn about office romances. Now I have to quit or deal with the most hostile work environment ever. FML

Today, I pulled a muscle in my right shoulder and can barely move my arm. My friends keep asking if I'm sure it wasn't from jerking off too much. Truth is, I pulled it by playing on my computer too much. FML

That went well

Today, I tried to stage an intervention for a friend who abuses drugs. I ended up with my hair on fire. FML

No excuses

Today, I broke my leg. My mom told me I still have to go to tennis class tomorrow because the course isn't refundable. FML