harbz

Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch. FML

Today, my boyfriend got so baked, he thought I was in the washing machine. I came downstairs to find him sitting in a puddle of soaking wet clothes, crying about where I was. FML

Close to the edge

Today, my closest encounter to having sex in the last four months was getting chlamydia from Russell Brand. In a dream. FML

A shooting waiting to happen

Today, I was once again mistaken for an escaped convict. I live near a women's correctional facility and apparently my nursing scrubs look a lot like their prisoners' uniforms. The cop made me late for work. FML

Great plan, asshat

Today, my best friend set me up on a blind date. I've discussed the fact I like to date older men, but she thought it was clever to send a 63-year-old to my house to, "Netflix And Chill." FML

Today, my boss forced me to come into work despite having a bad cold. While waiting a table, I violently sneezed and sprayed a child's face with snot. His dad got so pissed that my boss had to pretend to fire me just to calm him down. FML

Today, I managed to accidentally drop an entire cake on my laptop's keyboard. There's so much frosting stuck under the keys, I have no idea how I'm going to clean it out. FML

Today, after a badly misjudged hand signal, I accidentally hit my boss in the face instead of high-fiving her. FML

Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML

Shit song

Today, while I was taking a shit, a guy went into the next stall and narrated what he was doing in song. I'm still traumatized by his lyrics. FML

Today, a long standing fantasy was ruined when the only lasting impression from my first threesome was of how good my boyfriend is at giving other guys a blowjob. FML

Today, I was asked to prove that I was Chinese by translating the phrase, "Ching chong ming chang ho". I'm not even Chinese. FML

Today, while I was cleaning, listening to music and sometimes singing along, I heard a knock on my front door. I turned off the music and opened the door to the police, who stated they had to investigate reports of "repeated female screams" coming from my apartment. I'm a 23 year old man. FML

Today, I ended up in the ER because I ruptured a testicle by accidentally sitting on it. Last time I ever go commando. FML