graceoco

Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML

Today, I was at home, my mom came and saw me holding what she thought was a glass of beer. She took the glass, threw it and slapped me for drinking it. I was drinking Apple Juice. FML

Looks good

Today, I got stung by a bee. On my eyelid. I'm allergic so it's swollen up so much, I can't even open my eye. Tomorrow is the first day of a new prestigious school. I either have to go to school wearing an eye-patch or walk around looking like a monster. FML

The red knob incident

Today, I was taking a piss in a port-o-john and thought it would be a good idea to aim at a bee I saw buzzing around. The bee thought it would be a better idea to sting me on the knob. FML

Dry

Today, I had dinner with my girlfriend of five months along with my mom and dad. It all was going fine until my mom asked aloud, "Everything going smooth for you in the bedroom?" to which my girlfriend replied, "No." I'd actually been painting the master bedroom at my parent's house for some extra cash. FML

Today, I went to a store to buy a man's thong because my girlfriend wanted me to. When I went in I also grabbed some lingerie for her. Thinking I was being clever I wrapped it up in a t-shirt so no one would notice and went to checkout. The cashier then called for a price check on the thong. FML

Today, my oldest son answered my phone call much to my surprise as we haven't spoken in a year. The first words out of his mouth were, "I didn't mean to pick up the phone." He then hung up. FML

Today, my girlfriend's mother called me to tell me she didn't appreciate our "public amorous behaviour" at the local food court. I didn't go out all day. FML

Today, I awoke to find a giant turd on my carpet, cat hair everywhere in my room, and a big hole in my window screen. I don't own a cat. FML

Today, it was the elections for Student Council President. I decided to be nice and vote for the only other competitor because it was her birthday. I lost by one vote. FML

Today, I found out my mom is the nude model for an art class at my college. FML

Today, I was working at Tim Hortons. A lady was in line, and she couldnt make up her mind. 20 minutes later she finally decided to get something, and she reached in her pocket. I was hoping it was a tip, but she gave me a coupon for a haircut. FML

Today, I got a call from my ex asking if I could fix her computer. I brought my 7 year old son with me. On the way I told him, how I hated her, but I can't be rude. Once we get there, I say to her "it's nice to see you." My son says "but I thought you said you want her to fall off a bridge?" FML

Curious

Today, I got invited out by friends for coffee after I broke up with my boyfriend. When I told my mom where I was going, she looked at me and said, "But you don't have friends. All your friends are pixels. Where are you really going?" FML

Today, I walked to the end of my driveway to pick up the newspaper. I read the front page that was talking about people who have been getting hurt from slipping on ice. Laughing about that thought and walking up my driveway, I slipped. FML

Today, my crush of over a year came over for me to take her on our first date. Today was also the day my drunk parents decided to dance the chicken dance in our front yard, naked. FML

Today, I boarded my flight and sat next to a man. I told him I had hoped he was a hot woman and he concurred. He said at least I wasn't obese and I replied "At least you aren't smelly". Minutes later I realize he had the most disgusting foot odour ever... the barefoot kind. I suffered for 11 hours. FML

Today, my parents had a huge fight because my mom found out my dad was cheating on her. They screamed for half an hour. Right in the middle of my wedding. FML

Today, I sneezed while I was throwing up into the toilet. It turns out that throwing up is even less pleasant when the puke violently shoots out through your nose. FML

Today, I'm a 25-year-old married woman and I'm currently living with my grandfather to take care of him. Today, he grounded me. FML

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend of a year and a half on the beach. Everything was fine until she saw a plane with a banner behind it saying "Cassie, will you marry me?" She said yes. I didn't order a plane. FML

Today, I caught my dad spanking my mom with a spatula. The same spatula I use to cook my eggs every morning. FML

Today, I realized that my baby stops crying loudly whenever I turn on the vacuum cleaner. I'm either stuck with a fussy baby all day, or the roaring sound of a vacuum cleaner. FML

Today, my two friends and I went to the movies. One of my friends brought my crush. They started making out, leaning over the armrest, until they were practically in my lap. Saliva got on my arm. FML

No friends of mine

Today, I found out that my colleagues don't add me on Facebook so that they can publicly put me down in their statuses, without me knowing. My boss liked the one which said that I talk too much. FML

Hedging your bets

Today, I was on the arm of my couch trying to grab something from the bookshelf, and my boyfriend was below me. I asked, "So, would you catch me if I fell?" He looked back at me, paused for a moment before saying, "How much do you weigh again?" FML

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend who's sick, he told me he felt sleepy due to meds and was going to bed. I jokingly said, "you're going to call your other girlfriend, aren't you?" There was silence before I heard, "you weren't supposed to find out like this." FML

Today, I decided to dye my hair to freshen up my appearance. I asked my husband for his opinion, expecting him to recommend a color. He then asked me why going on a diet wasn't my first option. FML

Nice day for it

Today, my 5 year old-son and I went out for a walk. As I was looking in a shop's window display, I turned around to see my son pooping into an open manhole on the street. FML

Today, I was leaving the car wash when I saw my friend walking on the sidewalk. I pulled over next to her and asked if she wanted a ride. Only after getting a face full of the soda she was drinking did I realize I was talking to a complete stranger. FML