Mademoiselle New York, United States 34 ans Célibataire
Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, "It sounds like a dog throwing up!" He listened for a second and said, "That's my mom crying downstairs." FML
Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML
Today, I stayed over at my grandparents' house. I woke up and had to brush my teeth. My grandma asked if I had found a toothbrush to use. I told her that I used my old purple toothbrush. She told me that was the toothbrush she used to brush her toenails. FML
Today, I got really annoyed waiting for a bus that was supposed to come every 10 minutes. After a few minutes of waiting, I realized the "bus stop" was really a no parking sign. FML
Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little. An elderly man rode past on his bicycle and shouted, "I'd like to stroke your pussy too!" FML
Today, my husband and I were at a wedding. When the DJ announced that the bar was open, my hubby was the only one to RUN to the bar while the other husbands stayed behind to dance with their wives, eyeing us in a weird way. FML
Today, I sneezed in the shower. When I got out, I got a text from my creepy old neighbor saying "Bless you". FML
Today, I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's whole family. Between them they had about 10 teeth. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1..." and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML
Today, feeling melancholic, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML
Today, I had a panic attack because my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to choke me in the middle of sex. FML
Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend. I started to come, screaming, "Ah... ah... ah... AHH!" To which he added, "Staying alive! Staying alive!" FML
Today, my boyfriend cancelled our vacation plans because I'll be on my period, arguing that, "It wouldn't be a real holiday." FML
Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. The subject of abuse came up and I told her that if her father ever hurt her I would cut his dick off. The next thing I hear is, "Don't say shit you can't back up!" Her father had picked up the phone the moment I'd said it. FML
Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it. FML
Today, I fell over a wet floor sign warning you not to fall over. The irony hurt more than the fall. FML
Today, my boyfriend woke me up by playing with the string of my tampon. FML
Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML
Today, I downloaded an application for my phone that reads whatever you type out loud. I started making it say things like "You like it when daddy spanks your tight little ass don't you?" Just as the message was playing back out loud, my mom walked up the stairs. FML
Today, I was having the best sex with my husband, and right when I reached climax, he shouted "Abracadabra!" FML
Today, while having sex, I found out that I'm so flexible that when I bend over backwards, the backs of my knees can touch my shoulders. My boyfriend is now extremely jealous and is debating about breaking up with me. Even I don't get it. FML
Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to try something new. By something new, it was to put flour in my butt and see what would happen if I farted. FML
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. I started to moan right when I was about to climax. He got worried, stopped and asked, "Are you okay?!" FML
Today, my parents thought it would be appropriate to tell my girlfriend that I used to stick my penis in a sock puppet and talk to it when I was younger. FML
Today, my cab driver told me about the time he tried to commit suicide by driving off a bridge… while we were crossing a river. FML
Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time: "Is it in yet?" It was. FML
Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML
Today, we had a tornado warning and I told my parents I loved them, just in case. My dad just said, "See you in Kansas." FML
Today, I went for a job interview. I was asked if I wanted a drink. I have no idea why, but I replied "a bottle of milk please." FML
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