stfuwtf

Today, my father used my birth certificate as a beer coaster. Accident or not, it pretty much perfectly sums up our relationship. FML

Today, I realized that I will be leaving for the US Marine Corps in June, and the presidential election is in November. I could potentially be serving with Trump as my Commander-in-Chief. FML

Today, I took my girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's apartment for her to exchange his spare car keys for some of her grandmother's items. I waited outside in the parking lot for an hour, with no idea which door was his. She came out no longer a virgin. FML

Today, after 22 hours running around the hospital, I found some time to sit still and have a sandwich. My attending physician walked by and commented that I must not have enough work to do. The same person who 12 hours ago said finding time to eat was a skill, since I was eating on the go. FML

Today, I was traveling home with my four-year-old son. While we were standing in line at the security checkpoint, I hear the sound of water dripping and turned to find my son urinating on the floor. He'd read a sign that said we weren't allowed to take any liquids with us. FML

Today, I found out that my friends from high school have yearly meet-ups to catch up and talk about what they've done since school. They've done this for 3 years. I havent even been invited once. FML

Today, I was talking to my mother when we both heard a continuous buzzing noise. Unable to locate the source of the noise we gave up. About an hour later, my mother yells down the stairs to me. Turns out my dog stole my vibrator, chewed it and presented it to my mother. FML

Today, the police gave me a ticket for obstructing a loading bay as the vehicle "was not parked within the loading bay markings". I couldn't get the vehicle fully into the loading bay because there was a police vehicle in the way. FML

It's all balls to me

Today, my family was watching a football game and kept mentioning their team's quarterback's name and, as I'm not a football fan by any means, asked them who this was. My grandma then turned to me and said, "This is why you don't have a boyfriend." FML

Today, I wrote a bad review for a pizza place after their pizza gave me food poisoning. Now, they won't stop calling me, begging me to take my review down in exchange for free pizza. I have tried to tell them that I wouldn't eat their pizza again even if I got paid to do so, but they won't listen. FML

Today my mom, bored lover of games and mysteries, bragged about outsmarting scammers by burning all the post and gifts they have been sending her. For a special birthday / Christmas, I'd splurged on an expensive, interactive mystery game where you are mailed clues over the course of 6 months. FML

Drive

Today, my wife suddenly texted me to meet her halfway between our house and the supermarket. I immediately put my shoes on and started walking, eager to get to her as fast as I could to surprise her. Turns out she was carrying three heavy bags and yelled at me for being slow and by foot. FML

Mukbang

Today, my family held an intervention and told me I needed to lose weight. It probably would've had more impact if they hadn't done this over video chat while stuffing their faces at an all-you-can-eat buffet. FML

Today, one of my co-workers threw a piece of garbage at the waste bin beside me. When it missed, he said, "Aw, I missed the garbage... and the bin beside it." FML

Today, it's the 11th day I've been in the hospital due to my kidneys. My mother has come in every day since to make me feel bad about missing Thanksgiving. FML

Freudian slip?

Today, my new boss asked me to handle a very difficult client, warning me that, "He's kind of a dick." My accidental response? "That's fine, I'm great at handling dicks." FML

Today, I parked in a "Disabled" space. A woman and her kids comes yelling at me about how I don't look disabled and I was just being selfish. I roll my pants up to reveal two prosthetic legs. She then yells at me that I should have warned her before showing my legs since it could scare her kids. FML

Anger issues much?

Today, my coworker got angry at a mean customer. She came to the back where I work and started punching the wall repeatedly. When I tried to intervene and stop her from breaking her hand, she punched me in the stomach and uppercut me. FML

Today, I attended a white elephant party at work and the box I picked had whisky and beer. Since I am a Muslim, I took it to my Christian friend's house and gave it to him. As I was walking there, I passed my imam on the street. Awkward. FML

Today, at my work in a self-service chinese restaurant, a lady came up to me, pointed to the plate she loaded with honey king prawns, and yelled at me because she was allergic to seafood. She demanded a refund and another plate. Everything is clearly labeled. FML

Lock your doors

Today, after a long day at work, I fell asleep in my living room. When I woke up, I saw a man leaving my bedroom wearing my pajamas, and I started screaming as he casually left. The cops came and apparently he's mentally ill. He truly believed it was his house. FML

Today I broke my glasses beyond repair. I am very nearly legally blind. I get my glasses at Walmart and today, Christmas, is the only day out of the entire year that they are closed. Merry Christmas to me. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me in a very natural way that my mother is better at sex than me. FML

Today, I had a dream that I was 25, unemployed, living with my parents, and still completely in love with someone who no longer feels the same way about me. Oh wait... it wasn't a dream. FML

Shade thrown

Today, I asked my mother if she thought my cat was getting fat. She replied, "It's not the cat you should be worried about". FML

Today, I was driving and stopped behind a person at a stop sign. Their car didn't move for about 1 minute. I got out of my car yelling at the person. It was an old woman. She wasn't breathing. FML

Today, my mother told me that my father once told her that he was glad she wasn't a red head. He wouldn't have married her if she was because he hates red heads. I am his red-headed daughter. FML

Today, everyone at school was talking about some guy that did another girl while he was going out with someone. I started to spread the rumor myself, until someone told me that that guy was my boyfriend. The other girl was my best friend. FML

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend because I found an email he had written to an ex-fling telling her he was single and wanted to meet up. He wrote that email from my computer, in my apartment, on Valentine's Day. FML

Today, I was boarding my flight when I got pulled aside for looking suspicious. As she was opening my bag, I said, "Be careful, I jammed so many clothes in there it may explode." I was then strip searched for my trouble. FML